Antonio Salieri (F. Murray Abraham), court composer to Emperor Joseph 2nd (Jeffrey Jones), seeks to destroy bawdy but gifted Mozart: Mozart is very brash and upsets the lesser talented Salieri who wonders if God himself is mocking him through Mozart. Maybe.

Salieri decides to psychologically attack Mozart by taking a scene from one of his operas and making it come true. Wearing a death mask, Salieri commissions a clearly worried Mozart already drinking heavily.

"Costumically lush, and yet a little long winded. The music is nice too, who wrote that?"

"That performance of the Marriage of Figero was ten times better without the music than with it. Bitch! - get me anything with blood I can chew on. I'm gonna need me a thorough ass massage too when this movie finishes."

"Two and a half hours and no intermission? It's almost as bad as one of Mozart's friggin operas. I could never watch opera for 4 hours, I would much rather tout for sex in a public lavatory."

"I took about 10 toilet breaks during this movie. Fantastic. I met some very nice sailors during this time which made the movie much more interesting."

"A heartless, bruising, funeral in a multiple grave - they dropped his corpse head first into a hole. I, for one, would rather be pinged from the rafters, somersaulting to my final resting place in a circus theme - have Six Feet Under done that story yet?"

"Did they get an Oscar for those cows at a funeral? If not why not? It was a bovine triumph!"

"Nice music, shame about the cows at the funeral, it spoilt everything for me. I want my money back."

Salieri helps Mozart finish off his work by writing on the paper as the master composes from his bed. However, Mozart is very ill. His wife (Elizabeth Berridge) refuses to let him continue. Mozart dies.

Salieri goes mad, the whole story is told in super-flashback mode without the wobbly screen fade out.

A consummate production, offering an insight into the life and works of an icon, wine and all. Mozart's music is simply exemplary, but we all know that, it is the way that the subject is covered, so apparently honestly, that inspires one to scream bravisimo in a high pitched screech.

A study of how middle management strove to prevent Mozart's greatest works by ripping the music up before it could be photocopied in the back office 300 years later.

A veritable chandelier and golden door knobic heaven, of glasses perched on the end of noses, of bouffant wiggery to near ceiling height and shaggy dog-ic wideness. Stunning. Miss it at your peril.

"There are too many notes."

"I regretfully have no servants to show you out."

"Mediocrity is everywhere, I absolve you."

Red wine and more red wine.

In the about to conduct with a baton position.

Mozart's high pitched shrieking laughter is one of the low points of the movie. Thank goodness his music never portrayed this horrible sounding guffaw.

Yes plenty. Our hero, Mr Mozart, is a triumphant boob grabber. Top marks, well done.

Non-geniuses will always try to beat up geniuses as they will always resent the smart ass.

Genius and resentment are not happy bedfellows - see any modern day soap opera.

Big fat farty type dogs could be encouraged to join in with Mozart during the wind breaking scenes. Ensure enough thick blankets are on hand.

Overweight cats could take up belly-flop bouncing off the furniture as they could get bored. Some thinner cats, though, will enjoy the big wigs - beware of cat nightmares if they 'drop off' during this movie as they could attempt to unravel a wig in their dreams, this could be expensive if your cat is a sleep walker.

Tropical fish could swim in eerie unison during the more musical moments, especially during the silent Marriage of Figaro piece.

3203

A small conducting baton made out of field mouse tusks.

No, but use of the shit word in front of an old stuffy monarch won much praise in the United States.

This movie won 8 Academy Awards, including best picture, in 1984.

An interesting voyage of discovery back to Mozart's time. The music is familiar but the man isn't, this movie sheds light on the icon that wrote so much good music. How true is it? We have no idea.

October 1 , 2002