Donald Trump Reveals Media Plans To Slip Him A Drink 'To See What Happens'
16th August, 2016
Donald Trump accused the media today of trying to spike his drinks before a major speech in an attempt to make him say things that would undermine his chances of winning in November.
Trump, 70, who has famously never drunk alcohol so is widely expected to be hilarious if he were to be slipped a small drink, especially before a big unscripted speech, has asked Secret Service agents to test his drinks before he drinks it according to those close to the situation.
Trump's recent attack on the media is believed to have been following an incident in which a theVoiceofReason.com secret insider got within inches of spiking his drink with a small measure of rum.
Speaking soon after the attempt our roving expert, who we have agreed not to name for legal reasons but is a known Republican and named his first child Ronald after Ronald Reagan and his cat Nancy after Nancy Reagan, said he chose rum because he was hoping for a 'Jack Sparrow type performance.'
Our insider continued: "Donald Trump in a sort of Jack Sparrow stupor would be both impressive and very watchable. The fact he is a WWE fan also has endless possibilities for a man who has just had a drink but has never had a drink before. People only really realise how fake WWE is when they try a drunken clothesline and the other person doesn't fall backwards. If you don't drink at a young age then you haven't really been through that vital right of passage."
Trump, who may have had sword fighting lessons for all we know, is set to announce he is not going to fire himself even though pressure is growing for him to quit.
In other news: Hillary Clinton can out drink Donald Trump with a thimble full of whisky says latest survey.
In other other news: A prize of $60,000 to spike Trump's drink before or during the televised debates later in the year offered by secretive Russian news website.