Harry Bagalots, Head of Trading at Master Universe Hedge Arbitrage Trading, has died. The police, called to the scene, say they aren't looking for anyone else in connection with his death.
Obituary: Harry Luigi Huntergatherer Bagelots, 45, came to prominence two years before the sub prime crisis broke in 2008. He managed to make millions from brilliantly selling investment grade bonds, that included dodgy mortgages, to grateful investors.
He was twice awarded the highly regarded Mortgage Seller (Sub Prime) Bond Fund Seller Of The Year, in 2003 and 2004. His $5mn a year salary attracted a $25million bonus in both award winning years.
Whilst his death has not been fully investigated yet, we have pieced together what happened from eyewitnesses at the scene.
It seems that risk loving Bagelots had strapped himself into a human catapult at a combined Hedge Fund Traders / Redneck Games, Saturday July 14th.
After signing all of the legal disclaimers, he fired the button in his right hand, attempting to fire himself into safety netting.
However, something went wrong with the catapult and he overshot the netting and came down, testicles first, on the roof of a large house.
He then slid, face down, hitting a number of obstacles, his testicles taking the brunt of the impact on each obstacle which were, in order;
- a television aerial
- Three pointy up roof tiles
- Various drains
- a horizontal flag mast which ultimately broke after seeming to hold his weight for a deceptive 55 seconds
- a porcupine
Screaming in agony all the way down, he then fell, legs first, into an area of conservation grade 17 feet high thistles.
Still clearly alive at this point, his sobs of agony raised the attention of those nearby who, observing the safety rope to which he remained attached, but not able to see him because of the thistles, pulled at the cord assuming they could pull him to safety through the plants.
Even though Bagelots continued to scream in agony at them to stop, they mistook his screams for encouragement to pull him even harder.
By the time his body was clear of the thistles he was a sorry swollen red mass of banker death.