In what is expected to be a volatile day on the stock market Monday, theVoiceofReason.com is stepping up to give our loyal readers some tips on dealing in these challenging times.
BUY International Ghost Hunters Inc
Following the company's recent expansion into the international ghost hunting markets with new offices recently opened in Tehran, London, Venice and Sydney, the company is now well placed to prosper in the fast growing supernatural hunting and combating market. The company is set to launch a patent pending Track and Splat package and we have heard rumors of a Harry Potter tie in advertising campaign starting in September.
BUY Goldman Sachs New York Murder Index Fund
Now is the time to benefit from the increase in the murder rate in New York in this specialist arbitrage fund which guarantees to match the increase in the murder rate in New York city. As the economy starts to stall, our analysts think murder is one of the guaranteed investment opportunities for the coming years.
HOLD Gaudy Draperies Co, India
Dull curtains, colorless rugs and indestructible clothing fabrics are set to continue to grow at their uninspiring rate again this year, after twenty years of dullness.
SELL Pound of Cherry's from Carl's Supermarket at $2.50
A pound bag of cherry's is set to fall by up to 10 cents on Monday so sell them back to Carl in the morning and buy them back at around 4:30pm to make 10c a pound.
On the floor of the stock exchange our trading tips on Monday:
1) Dress as a German cow girl
2) Go la la la with your tongue for 5 seconds before buying pork belly's
3) Undo your top button to expose part of your ample firm chest.