This will only take a minute of your time. On a scale of one to five, please rate your most recent oil change, pharmacy visit, cable repair, emergency road service, bank transaction, dental surgery and online purchase.
For training purposes, this call may be monitored, recorded, or transferred to the FBI. As a valued customer, your opinions are important to us. However, please do not rock the boat. This will only take a minute of your time.
If you are willing to take the following survey, please stay on the line and someone will be with you, eventually. This survey has been carefully designed to elicit the answers we want to hear. If you wish to discontinue this call, please press the pound key at any time. Your refusal to take this survey will be seen as a direct threat to the consumer society in which you live.
If you find this survey to be in any way an invasion of your privacy, you have the right to file suit with our Committee for Public Privacy. If you are simply too tired, or can’t remember the cable man ever showing up, please press nine now and your call will be automatically saved for 30 days. If at the end of 30 days you have not fully completed this survey, your phone may be tapped regarding suspicious behavior.
If you are willing to take this survey the first time around but cannot make head or tail of some of the questions, please press five now and your call will be automatically forwarded to our Committee for English as a Devilishly Difficult Second Language.
Now, on a scale of one to five, five being Irrelevant and one being Essential, please answer the following question: How do you feel about our pea soup? Please note that we are not interested in your opinion about the quality or cost of our soup, and any complaints about same will not result in free coupons for more of our delicious and costly product.
On a scale of one to five, five being Surly and one being Couldn’t Get Rid of Him/Her, please answer the following question: How would you rate your most recent Home Delivery of our pea soup? Please note that our drivers are underpaid and overworked, and must be able to carry up to 70 pounds of soup at once. Expressing sympathy for your driver will not improve his/her collective bargaining rights, nor will it expedite delivery of your next shipment.
And finally, one to five, five being Absolutely and one being Very Unlikely, would you recommend our soup to your friends? If you currently feel you have no friends, please do not answer the question at this time, and remember, Spring is just around the corner and even a blade of grass can be of comfort.