JPMorgan
Chase: Highly, to very highly, stressed. Can't think
straight any more. Has to drink with straw in glass standing
on a table as hands shake too violently.
Goldman
Sachs: Was quite sanguine until it discovered what
a derivative was, now 'utterly, devastatingly, stressed'.
Hair starting to fall out in handfuls.
HSBC
America: Shockingly, to hysterically, stressed. Drinks
up to 27 cups of coffee a day. Stutters when trying to
say the word 'derivative' or 'CDO' (trying to say both
terms together can take over 17 minutes).
Bank
America: 'Stressed in the upper quartile.' A number
of desks have been removed from offices with fingernail
scratches, indentations which could be that of heads banged
down violently and at length, and blood stains. Plastic
cups only allowed in restaurant and in in-bank bars. All
corporate swimming pools emptied in case of suicide attempts.
Citibank:
Now suffers from 'violently windy' crippling nervous indigestion
especially after dinner and in bed later.
