Tips How To Ruin This Years Office Party

"Vomiting at the office party is the best way to say what you think, and it can all be made to look like an accident. This is of particular interest if you are on notice for redundancy.

Technique: Gulp down lots of eggnog for the perfect vomit color of yellow and with the smell of partly digested eggs, jump up and down and then direction towards people you don't like. Simple but effective."

"I can eat an entire buffet for 50 people in under twenty minutes.

The secret of my talent is to make people think they are eating things from the buffet, and then I take the food off their plates before they eat it without them even knowing. I have been told that I am the David Copperfield of party buffet clearance - the tributes don't get any better than that."

"Advertise the office party on some heavy hairy bikers website. Ensure you state clearly that the booze is free. Sit back and watch the hilarity unfold."

"Crack into the IT system at your company under an untraceable encryption thingie they sometimes use on television's favorite 24, remembering to cross reference the e-mail interface to the e-mail of somebody who would normally cancel the party, then backtrace the e-mail encryption to everyone telling them the party has been cancelled at the last minute. (It's times like these I wished I had listened more closely when they did computers at school.)

Invite people you actually like and then drink all the booze and eat all the food yourselves."

"I hate parties of any description. They are sinful. I will be turning up to read scripture from the good book at the top of my voice. Hear ye, hear ye..."