Nov 13, 2008
The home of world comedy spoof entertainment +++ Hedge Fund

Top Hedge Fund Holds Closing Down Sale, 'Every Hedge Must Go'

Because Every Boom Has To End Badly...

A hedgeMordicum and Branchville, a leading hedge fund manager that can literally trace its roots back to the 1850s, is to hold a closing down sale, we have discovered.

M&B's formerly top performing Garden Hedge Fund's stock of hedges will be sold in a number of garden centers throughout the Wall Street area starting next Tuesday at 7am sharp.

Another hedgeA sales guy for the company told this website: "There has never been a better time to buy a hedge. I know you've probably heard that quite a lot over the last few years but now it really is the time to buy. Really."

This is one of the most public liquidations (technically called a 'defoliation' in the business) of a hedge fund yet. Experts predict that many more hedge funds will be closed in the coming months as the recession starts to really bite.

Yet another hedgeHedges, some as tall as 38 feet and 10 feet thick, will be on sale from next Tuesday in two for one deals, 50% and 80% off offers.

Any remaining hedges will be put through one of those chipping machines.

Hedge number 4Hedges became popular with investors over the last ten years. Returns of over 25% a year were possible, according to charts.

But the outlook for hedges as an investment vehicle going forward is now bleak, according to the same charts.

Investment professionals recommend only buying a hedge if you can afford one:

"Buy a hedge for it's aesthetic beauty, not as a means of making a lot of money quickly," that's according to Jerry Windbecker of Hedges For Everyone.

Banks are becoming less willing to offer finance on hedges, and deals available as recently as in 2006 when banks were offering mortgages of 30 times the market value of a hedge have since been withdrawn. They are not expected to return any time soon.

The last hedge on this pageA senior employee at the Federal Reserve, a former drinking buddy of president George W Bush who has asked to remain anonymous, told this website:

"I never realised hedge funds actually invested in actual hedges. I always assumed the term 'hedge fund' meant hedging risk. Never did I think there was a building somewhere holding all of these hedges. When you come to think of it that way it's no wonder this boom has turned to bust so badly."



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