Tips: How To Get A Six-Pack At This Gift Giving Time Of The Year

"Get someone to punch you in the stomach! I employ a Uzbekistani dwarf who punches me me lightly in the stomach for twenty minutes a day, but any lowly paid immigrant will do.

For more details on how to hire a cheap immigrant I have just written a book entitled 'Which Immigrant Is The Right One For Me?', priced competitively at $7.99, available in all fair to middling online book stores."

"Tight stomach muscles, like they have in magazine pictures, are generally because the person in question is either dangerously dehydrated, hasn't eaten all week, and/or is holding their stomach in just for the picture. (Never underestimate the use of lighting in those magazine pictures either.)

To learn how to successfully dehydrate yourself read my new book:
"Success In Near Fatal Dehydration For The Under 80s."

"Sit-ups sit-ups sit-ups! Stomach crunches, stomach crunches, stomach crunches! Rest Rest Rest! Repeat fifty thousand times... here's something in the oven I prepared earlier.... hhuuurrr-unnkkttt...

Remember, if you want to look this good you have to put in the effort. To hear me encouraging you to work your abs, phone my premium rate number 0898..."

"I talk to my stomach muscles every day and we have a good laugh together. It is a little known fact that five minutes of hysterical carpet chewing laughter is as good as an hour of sit-ups.

To find out how to clean the carpet using just salt and vinegar, read my new book: "101 More Things To Do With Salt And Vinegar In The House." "

"I am a very very hairy man. If you, too, are a very hairy man, or woman, there is no point in wasting any effort in trying to get a six-pack. Even if you get one how would you know? How would you show it off? No, I say don't bother.

To read more about things not to bother about, I have just written a book: "Things I Am Not Bothered About And You Shouldn't Be Too", available from all faintly strange book shops."