ARGH!
Insurance
has been rescued by the Federal Reserve in a last minute
$76bn deal struck in the early hours of this morning.
This just the latest rescue in what is already being referred
to as 'the financial rescuing season' (September
and October 2008), which follows 10 years of increasingly
exuberant corporate lunches, wine lists, and bonuses 'to
die for'.
ARGH!
was rescued following days of speculation that the insurance
company / bank / over the counter financial derivatives
franchise with over 400 garage based branches across the
USA, was having 'accounting trouble fitting the zeroes at
the end of some of its numbers in its book'.
Other
companies believed to be tottering on the brink of financial
Armageddon include:
Nuclear
Waste Arbitrage Traders Of Idaho Inc: made
a loss of $1.3billion on a turnover of just $56,000 in
the first six months of the year, a record. The CEO of
NWATI has changed his name several times and is believed
to be living under the identify of a man who had assumed
the identity of Britney Spears.
Bet
The House Derivatives Bar and Grill Inc: believed
to have $6 trillion worth of uncovered trades from
customers who didn't come back the next day to pay off
their margin calls like they promised the waitress they
would.
Morgan's
Disaster Capitalists Inc: specialists in interbank
currency arbitrage for the 16-24 age group - assets estimated
to be plus or minus $5 trillion.
Magnum
Opus Guarantee Insurance Inc: sitting on a
'black hole' of what auditors describe as 'the equivalent
of paper nuclear waste'. Rescue cost is said to be anywhere
between plus or minus 'all the money there is and
ever will be in the world'.
Ya
Gotta Speculate To Accumulate Holdings
Inc: made a profit of $600 bn, the largest
profit of any unknown company in the world in 2007. Believed
to now be insolvent and sitting on toxic negative assets
exceeding $24trillion.
