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Mar 10, 2008
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Gigli - Real Time Review

Gigli Gamer

Gigli has become legendary as one of the worst films from the last decade or so. It's currently number 69 (!) in IMDB.com's bottom 100.

I have never seen it, but must admit that I have happily jumped on the 'Gigli is crap' bandwagon [link]. I feel a little uneasy about this, although obviously confident enough that my fellow internet comrades know what they are talking about.

Gigli just happened to be on television last week, and, whilst I missed the first 30 minutes, thought I would watch it anyway.

So, here we are, 30 minutes into Gigli (including commercial breaks)... let the action begin...

 

Hello movie fans, you join me here 30 minutes down, J-Lo is sitting bare-footedly reading a paperback book, Affleck is in best quaffed Elvis bouffant hairdo...

There's a knock at the door...

It's Christopher Walken everybody!

Whooop woooooo hey wooop!

-- It's only 3 minutes in and I've spotted my first continuity error... wasn't Walken's coffee cup cap underneath the cup when he comes into the room, and then it mysteriously goes to the top of the cup? --

Christopher Walken is in form. I do like it when he shouts random words all-of-a-sudden... and I like ice cream and he seems to be shouting about ice cream now.

Scene switches to a car going down a road. I like those shots, where does the director, camera guy, sound guy, his assistant, all sit? Brilliant.

I also like the character Brian, the mentally handicapped guy. Don't see many mentally handicapped guys in movies. 10 out of 10 for pushing the envelope here. Is he a plot point? Damn I missed that first 30 minutes...

OK, our heroes seem to have stopped now and are sitting in an open cafe. Affleck is swearing at some punks who have just put on some loud music.

Looks like J-Lo is going over...

Now this is my first J-Lo movie, am I about to see some mean kick-ass moves here? Nice eye contact. Nice words. Nothing kicks off, though. Pity. As they leave, Affleck destroys a laptop. How does that not lead to a fight?

OK, so we're driving about.

Affleck has just got a phone call.

Cut to Affleck injecting a fat woman in the butt cheeks. Is he a doctor then? Oh, it's his mother.

Cut to J-Lo stretch-ercising. Affleck is now talking about his penis. Did J-Lo just refer to Ben Affleck's penis as a seaslug?

So, the plot seems to be that our heroes have got to cut some guy's thumb off and post it somewhere...

Affleck's character and Brian are in a mortuary about to cut off a guy's thumb. Something I didn't expect just happened. I'm actually laughing. This is an excellent skit, here. Always liked that 'Big Butts' song, never heard it sung in a mortuary before. This has got to be the movie highlight right here.

They seem to have the thumb and they are posting it... Postal point here, Affleck, I'm not that experienced in this sort of thing but I would say that you should address the envelope before putting the thumb in... not that way... did you even write anything on that envelope or did you just pretend?

A couple of scenes later and we get the obligatory sex scene. It's competent. Fades out.

Our heros go to a house and Al Pacino walks into the room.

Al fucking Pacino is in this movie? I'm speechless.

Any way, a few scenes later and we're at the beach and it's good-bye time.

J-Lo leaves and then comes back again, Brian talks to a girl.

THE END

Summary: I can sort of see why this movie has been dumped on so much. There's not much of a story. I suppose you expect more when there are so many big names. This is basically a movie about putting a thumb in an envelope, Jack Bauer could have done that in five minutes.

I read on imdb.com that this movie is not a trainwreck, and that really sums up how I feel about it. Gigli isn't half as bad as it could have been and is nowhere near as bad as the worst film I have ever seen which is Rhinestone (starring Sylvestor Stalone and Dolly Parton).

More movie reviews are here.

 

 
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