Feb 11, 2008
The home of world comedy spoof entertainment +++ Gitmo Trials

Fair Executions Promised To All 9/11 Accused

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US Secretary of Homeland Security Michael Chertoff has promised a fair execution for all Guantanamo prisoners accused of organizing the 9/11 attacks in 2001. He was speaking to this website after six men including plot mastermind Sheikh Mohammed were charged.

Their guilt is to be confirmed by a military court later in the year.

Confessions to be heard by the court include edited versions of:

"STOP! I'm drowning, stop, ahhh, OK I did it, stop..., oh!..., can I go now?",

"Where am I? I'm so tired. Oh please let me sleep, yes I did it, oh, can I go now?" and

"No I didn't do it. No. No. No. You'll never break me etc etc... OK I did it. No, I mean, Nooooo!"

A spokesman for the military court told this website:

"We would never rely on evidence obtained by water boarding in isolation. Evidence would have to include at least some sort of confessional sound such as a grunt from either sleep deprivation or food/water refusal."

"And anyways, these guys have been hardened by years under the oppressive regime of Saddam Hussein. We aren't doing anything that Saddam wouldn't have done."


Apology: Yesterday we ran a story that claimed that McDonalds fast food was used in a torture process in Guantanamo Bay. We wrote that detainees were told to tell the truth or be forced to eat food from the fast food giant. We also suggested that this was the reason behind the increase in obseity amongst detainees at Gitmo. We are happy to confirm that we have absolutely no idea if this story is true or not, and as soon as we find out who wrote the story they will be dealt with under our internal disciplinary procedures.


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