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Nov 5, 2007

Satire/Spoofs
Archive+ Funny Horoscopes + Movie Reviews + Thought of the day + UK

Impalings topped this year's Halloween related deaths chart once again, with 2007 the most dangerous Halloween year since the witch trials of the 17th Century.

Here is the top ten Halloween related deaths so far reported:

10	Non trick or treat related heart attacks and heart complaints - fatal heart spasms including hearts jumping out of chests for no apparent reason: 65 deaths.
9	Trick or treaters murdered after appearance at non-designated trick or treat houses, or on the way to the designated house by walking, for instance through graveyards (54 dead), or on badly lit back country lanes (67 dead). (197 deaths in total.)
8	Other trick or treat related deaths - including heart attacks by householders after discovering the 'trick' and supernatural attacks from between hearing the knock at the door and handing over the candy: 234 deaths.
7	Bobbing for apples - razor blade / poison in apples (not including impalings from behind during the apple bobbing activity): 236 deaths.
6	Bathroom/toilet related horrors, including attacks from within water pipes (but not with water pipes - see impalings, below). Figure includes deaths when going for a quick 'wizz' outside, say against a tree or bush: 302 dead.
5	Kitchen related horrors, including knives flying through the air all of a sudden (but not including knife attacks by zombies, see below). Includes strange unexplained poisonings, and once dead animals/fish coming back to life (sometimes whilst being cooked) to kill the victim(s), including, in one incident, a half cooked Tuna growing legs and using a chain saw to kill a family of five: 410 dead.
4	General air based flying witchcraft related deaths on broomstick or flying carpets. This figure includes deaths actually in the air or resulting death by falling to the ground as long as there is no subsequent impalement on the ground (for instance falling on an upturned spike is not included in this figure): 699 dead.
3	Death by zombie. Includes all kitchen, bedroom and bathroom related zombie deaths - which remains the most frequent incidence of zombie related deaths as the victim is generally unable to run away because the zombie invariably stands in the doorway to 'corner' the victim: 723 hysterical, screamy, slow, dribbly, deaths.
2	Witchcraft, including potions, not including flying related deaths, but including deaths in haunted houses and non-copyright infringing Hogwarts type establishments: 1354.
1	Impalings, including through the mouth, whole body impalings on static fences and fences flying through the air; lightening strikes, including lightening chopping heads off, and shards of ice from the sky through the heart. Figure includes deaths resulting from limbs being ripped off after being caught on sharp parts of motorized vehicles being driven by headless or non-existant drivers: 1567 dead.

But these figures only show a fraction of the horrors meted out by evil this year:

2.5 million people were wounded in Halloween related incidents, another record. But this figure does not include woundings defined as attacks requiring less than three dabs of antiseptic lotion or cream.

Bubbling under the top ten include pumpkin related deaths which topped 18 for the first time in 2007, and deaths by people wearing those Scary Movie masks (27 deaths).

Garlic continues to be the preferred choice to ward off evil with crosses continuing to decline for politically correct reasons.

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