Deputy Administrator Harvey Johnson speaks to staffers
posing as reporters at supposed press conference last
Johnson: "Thank you, and, now, does anyone have any
Bosom: "(Love the brown suit, sir.) What sort
of water are you using to put the fires out, sir?"
Johnson: "Thank you for your question. We are putting
the fires out with a combination of water and special
fire retarding chemicals."
Smith: "(Love the combover, sir.) Is it true
that you are using airplanes to douse the fires in a very
quick professional manner unlike your supposedly slow response
to the Katrina tragedy?"
Johnson: "Yes it is, although our response to Katrina
is much maligned: we were quickly able to stop dousing
the houses there with water after a couple of weeks, remember.
Thank you for the opportunity to point that out on the
Johnson: "(The tach goes well with the glasses,
sir.) Is it true, sir, that water is the best thing
to put out a fire?"
Johnson: "Yes it is. We have a thousand planes dropping
a million gallons of water an hour every hour."
Smitts: "Is it true that you have Jack Bauer helping
you fight the fires?"
Johnson: "Yes it is. Mr Bauer has been very helpful
and the fact that we are using him is just another indication
of the professional inclusive response to this situation.
Thank you for your question."
Ciper: " Sir I don't have a question at all but I wanted
to take this opportunity to say that my readers are full
of praise as to how well you have handled these fires. Well
minutes of applause from all 'reporters' present]
Johnson: "Thank you for this feedback it is much
appreciated." [Wipes tear from eye.]
Smitts: "Is now a good time to ask for a raise, Sir?"
Johnson: "No, this is a press conference. I've never
seen this man before in my life. Next."
Smitts: "I'm your Personal Assistant, Sir."
Johnson: "Next question please."
Smitts: "And I have a picture of us together at the
Christmas office party last year..."
Johnson: "Security, will you please remove this genuine
journalist from the press conference please."
conference ends all of a sudden.
takes this opportunity to announce that FEMA have won Prats
of 2007 with two months still to go. They also won the
title in 2005 and 2006.