Abraham
Lincoln's face had a good side (on the coins) and a bad
side that was so ugly he scared babies... That is according
to a shockingly terrifying discovery made by theVoiceofReason.com
(to see our exclusive evidence take a looking at the bottom
of this page).
But
what do our panel of experts think?
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"Oh
he was completely ugly on his bad side. Thankfully
they decided to use the acceptable looking cheek
on the coins lest an entire population would be
too scared to spend their money! Another triumph
for capitalism!"
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"If
there is one thing that I find disconcerting it
is when someone has an eye with a mind of its own.
Lincoln's left eye was famous for wandering upwards
when he was talking to you. I wouldn't be able to
stop looking at it, and I fear that I would lose
track of any point I was making, I may even have
screamed."
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"It's
just as well someone assassinated Lincoln. It must
have come as such a relief being shot all of a sudden
when you are so ugly. Hic."
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"Oh
come on! Not everyone can have the swarthy good
looks of a Bill Clinton, or the gauche unsophisticated
good humor of a George W Bush, or the slow but purposeful
Ronald Reagan, or the gloriously toothy Jimmy Carter,
or the gloriously squashy nosed Richard Nixon...
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"Ugh!
Lincoln, you ugly Beastie off the Moors! Put a bag
on that head at once, ugly president man!"
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"They
say that Lincoln was kicked in the head by a horse
when he was a boy. If that is the case then I say
jolly well done for not looking uglier!"
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But
what does the evidence suggest? Our computer experts have
made a disturbing discovery. (Click away now if you are
easily shocked.)
We
split up a portrait of Lincoln matching the two good sides
together, and the two bad sides together.
This
is Abraham Lincoln's portrait before we manipulated it:
This
is Abraham Lincoln with the two good sides together: (How
suave!)
And
here is the evil looking Abe Lincoln, with both of the bad
sides together... (Eeeeek!)
