Do
you talk to your plants, but haven't noticed any change?
Jenny
Miller of Cross Bear, New Hartshipton, says she's been talking
to her Highland Mini-Hyacinth, Mirrium, for 6 years now,
but it hasn't made the slightest difference.
She's
now so angry with Mirrium she's not talking to her at all.
At
her wits end, and after falling out with a number of her
other plants, Jenny emailed theVoiceofReason.com
to ask us what the hell she should do now...
We
started off by doing what a good friend should always do
when asked about stuff like this:
We
told her she was doing it all wrong.
Fact:
Talking to plants has never worked
no way no how.
We
have investigated shouting at plants before:
We
found that, rather than just talking to plants, you get
better results when you shout at plants at the top of
your voice, including using loud hailers or speaker phones
set to top volume, which leads to you actually moving
the leaves or flowers.
This
works because your loud, shouty, voice is simulating the
wind.
(Shouting
at plants also gives you a great workout for the back of
your throat, which is useful when you need to shout at the
increasing number of stupid people you discover as you get
older, and stops you getting fat.)
However,
if you just don't have the energy to shout at your plants
there is an other way... and it involves
gently, lovingly, laying your hands on your plants, massaging
their leaves, even giving them a full body hug if they are
big enough.
Plant
massage belongs to the class of human and plant interaction
referred to as Humaniplantihuggitation. It's a whole
lot more than just grabbing hold of your plant, but it stops
way short of romancing them, although the guide book on
how to do it really is called the Karma Plantra.
How to do it: Start by gently taking hold of a leaf
and move your hands up from base to top, helping the sap
in the leaves to circulate gently. Keep doing this for hours
at a time.
Jim
Bush, Professor of Plant Psychology, Harvard, told us how
it works:
"What
you are doing is helping the plant's circulation. Indoor
plants don't get the benefit of wind which is an essential
requirement for their growth, but they need to move...
this is what you are doing, see...?"
Next
week: "I like to boogie with my plants, let me show
you how: Condeleeza Rice talks candidly about her relationship
with her office plants.."
