May 1, 2007
The home of world comedy spoof entertainment +++ Plant Problems

Plant Massage Is The New Talking To Them

Hug A Plant
Do you talk to your plants, but haven't noticed any change?

Jenny Miller of Cross Bear, New Hartshipton, says she's been talking to her Highland Mini-Hyacinth, Mirrium, for 6 years now, but it hasn't made the slightest difference.

She's now so angry with Mirrium she's not talking to her at all.

At her wits end, and after falling out with a number of her other plants, Jenny emailed to ask us what the hell she should do now...

We started off by doing what a good friend should always do when asked about stuff like this:

We told her she was doing it all wrong.

Fact: Talking to plants has never worked no way no how.

We have investigated shouting at plants before:

We found that, rather than just talking to plants, you get better results when you shout at plants at the top of your voice, including using loud hailers or speaker phones set to top volume, which leads to you actually moving the leaves or flowers.

This works because your loud, shouty, voice is simulating the wind.

(Shouting at plants also gives you a great workout for the back of your throat, which is useful when you need to shout at the increasing number of stupid people you discover as you get older, and stops you getting fat.)

However, if you just don't have the energy to shout at your plants there is an other way... and it involves gently, lovingly, laying your hands on your plants, massaging their leaves, even giving them a full body hug if they are big enough.

Plant massage belongs to the class of human and plant interaction referred to as Humaniplantihuggitation. It's a whole lot more than just grabbing hold of your plant, but it stops way short of romancing them, although the guide book on how to do it really is called the Karma Plantra.

How to do it: Start by gently taking hold of a leaf and move your hands up from base to top, helping the sap in the leaves to circulate gently. Keep doing this for hours at a time.

Jim Bush, Professor of Plant Psychology, Harvard, told us how it works:

"What you are doing is helping the plant's circulation. Indoor plants don't get the benefit of wind which is an essential requirement for their growth, but they need to move... this is what you are doing, see...?"

Next week: "I like to boogie with my plants, let me show you how: Condeleeza Rice talks candidly about her relationship with her office plants.."


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