Dec 21, 2006
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Top Ten Wrestling Move Ideas For Your Last Minute Christmas Shopping

Christmas Wrestling Special

Shops across the Christian world are getting ready for what is expected to be the most violent pre-Christmas shopping weekend ever.

Our experts warn readers not to go out shopping this weekend unless they are equipped with at least five of the following wrestling moves:

For those significantly lighter than you try The Double Ankle Throw From Behind. Method: Grab hold of the person with the gift you want to buy by the ankles, then pull upwards hard from behind. They will fall forwards letting go of the gift they are clutching - which will fly through the air backwards into your arms.

The Rear Naked Choke (not to be confused with The Naked Rear Choke which should only be attempted in the privacy of your own home). Don't worry, you don't have to be naked to do this hold! What the naked bit means is that you grab the shopper by the neck from behind: as they don't have time to defend themselves the hold is 'naked'. Proceed to choke until submission, knockout, or shop closing time.


The Flying Grapevine Over The Top Rope. Run as hard as you can into the shopper with the gift you want, tackle them with your arms outstretched hoping to smash them to the floor. Grab the gift they are holding, and run.

The Stamp Out. The person with the gift you want has to be laying prostrate on the ground in this popular professional wrestling move. (Best if your shopping opponent is trying out a bed, or doing some motor mechanics on their back.) Method: Stamp down hard with your foot until they submit.
The Flying Belly Squash. Only really advisable if you are very very big, and the person you are attacking isn't. As the name of the move implies, run with all of your weight focused in your belly, throw yourself through the air at your opponent and refuse to get off until they submit.

The Flying Wedgie From The Front. A difficult move to master, as one slip can make you look like you are trying to grab the shopper by the privates, but, once you are confident, grab and then pull the undergarments hard from the front until submission, or screaming like a little girl.

The Forearm Smash And Grab. One for shoppers who want a quick in-and-out shopping- wrestling strategy. Avoid being grabbed by the shirt and you can be away before your opponent even hits the deck. (Ever wondered why wrestlers just wrestle in trunks and boots? - Your questions will be answered when you try this move and your shopping opponent grabs your shirt before they fall and you have run away.)
The sucker punch and gift grab. One for experienced street muggers here. It also helps if you have very long arms, and the gift you are grabbing is small.
The Nose Lock And Squelch. Most old people quickly let go of what they are holding when you apply a hard push and twist to their nose. Make sure the ref (or store security) don't see it or you could be disqualified!!!
The Chicken Wing Arm Twist. Even a small child can apply this hold (perhaps really small children should be given a bit of a help to begin with) push the arm up the opponent's back until it breaks or submission occurs.

Seasons greeting to you... (and if anyone asks you who taught you how to wrestle this well, tell them sent you... Bad ass satire for the whole world™...)


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