VERBAL LUGE:
On day 8 of the Torino tournament, Joshtink Hurquelisivok, Austria, fell to a
surprising fourth place in the men's verbal luge trials after he accidentally
spat at the ref. This leaves the field wide open with the more guttural European
languages favoring the English based ones for their sheer volume of back-of-the-throat-growl.
There's still nothing between Germany, Switzerland and Ukraine and the final is
later today.
FALLING
ON YOUR ASS ON ICE (TEAM TOURNAMENT): Cranstichn Zimmerflible's (Denmark)
attempt to recover from her recent disastrous form left three needing rink-side
medical aid yesterday afternoon after her team managed only 37 legal falls on
their asses in the two minute routine, a new low. This falls short of the Zimbabwe
team which managed 69 legitimate falls (technically called a 'plonk') in 2 minutes,
a new world record. If Zimmerflible can't get back into the tournament all her
well publicized (in the Sunday color supplement's) hard work buffing up her rear-end
looks to be wasted.
JIVE
BOARD HANDICAP (Arm in Sling): World record holder in the Handicapped (Arm
in Sling) Jive Board slalom, Detricht Zaplofervalhurlick, redeemed his performance
of Sunday by sliding with considerable ease into the holding tourniquet.
JIVE
BOARD HANDICAP (Leg In Plaster): It's a straight Canada vs USA final with
Chile taking Bronze last night. Jeb Heimlich, USA, looks to be the favorite but
it's all to play for.
ANIMALS
TOURNAMENT: In the Four-Legged Pets Luge, German German Sheppard, Scratch,
is currently closing the gap on Russian Cheshire cat, Macey, from 6 points down
to 7. The Two Legged Animal Ski tournament is, once again, being dominated
by the ducks: 'Crack' Quack from Switzerland, 'Quick' Quack from Austria and 'Fat'
Quack from the USA. The Polar Bear Ski Jumping is set to start later today
with Benny from Austria facing his old enemy Jerch from Sweden. Seventy-four animal
rights protesters were arrested yesterday, a new Games record.
MINI
MAYHEM: In the Twenty People Stuffed In A Mini Downhill Luge, Serbia
looks set to sweep the medals after reigning champs, Turkey, missed a turn.
PLAYSTATION:
The USA stretches it's lead over Japan in the Gran Turismo playstation tournament
in the Olympic village.
