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Feb 21, 2006
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Not The Winter Olympic Report and Latest Results

WORLD EXCLUSIVE RESULTS SERVICE

VERBAL LUGE: On day 8 of the Torino tournament, Joshtink Hurquelisivok, Austria, fell to a surprising fourth place in the men's verbal luge trials after he accidentally spat at the ref. This leaves the field wide open with the more guttural European languages favoring the English based ones for their sheer volume of back-of-the-throat-growl. There's still nothing between Germany, Switzerland and Ukraine and the final is later today.

FALLING ON YOUR ASS ON ICE (TEAM TOURNAMENT): Cranstichn Zimmerflible's (Denmark) attempt to recover from her recent disastrous form left three needing rink-side medical aid yesterday afternoon after her team managed only 37 legal falls on their asses in the two minute routine, a new low. This falls short of the Zimbabwe team which managed 69 legitimate falls (technically called a 'plonk') in 2 minutes, a new world record. If Zimmerflible can't get back into the tournament all her well publicized (in the Sunday color supplement's) hard work buffing up her rear-end looks to be wasted.

JIVE BOARD HANDICAP (Arm in Sling): World record holder in the Handicapped (Arm in Sling) Jive Board slalom, Detricht Zaplofervalhurlick, redeemed his performance of Sunday by sliding with considerable ease into the holding tourniquet.

JIVE BOARD HANDICAP (Leg In Plaster): It's a straight Canada vs USA final with Chile taking Bronze last night. Jeb Heimlich, USA, looks to be the favorite but it's all to play for.

ANIMALS TOURNAMENT: In the Four-Legged Pets Luge, German German Sheppard, Scratch, is currently closing the gap on Russian Cheshire cat, Macey, from 6 points down to 7. The Two Legged Animal Ski tournament is, once again, being dominated by the ducks: 'Crack' Quack from Switzerland, 'Quick' Quack from Austria and 'Fat' Quack from the USA. The Polar Bear Ski Jumping is set to start later today with Benny from Austria facing his old enemy Jerch from Sweden. Seventy-four animal rights protesters were arrested yesterday, a new Games record.

MINI MAYHEM: In the Twenty People Stuffed In A Mini Downhill Luge, Serbia looks set to sweep the medals after reigning champs, Turkey, missed a turn.

PLAYSTATION: The USA stretches it's lead over Japan in the Gran Turismo playstation tournament in the Olympic village.

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