Feb 01 , 2006
The home of world comedy spoof entertainment +++ Old People Power

Street Gangs of the Elderly Causing Communities Increasing Concern

"We will fight for our right to take naps"

A growing culture of street hooliganism amongst the over 75's is causing police concern, our investigations show.

In some areas, sometimes as many as twenty elderly gang members are congregating on street corners and in shopping malls to cause what they refer to as 'rumbles' and 'melees'.

One gang member, Tony 'The Teeth' Jeffries, 82, of the Golden Years Tigers, told us:

"Young people just can't abide it when they are confronted by a gang of us Seniors. The young'ens like to split us up, but this divide and conquer strategy has gone on for long enough. We are prepared to take the law into our own shaky hands if necessary."

Later in the interview, Jeffries told us that in his opinion 'Young' means anyone under the age of 73.

One elderly gang member, who says he can remember the First World War, told us:

"I go out with my buddies on the street after my hot milk at about 4:30pm and we like to shoot the breeze and tackle any other Hood that are out at that time. So far we have our patch pretty much under control in the 4 to 5:30pm time frame, which we decided to focus our attention on as it was convenient for most of us and there wasn't much on television."

A spokesman for the Chillin Fingers Gang, who claims the patch at times other than 4-5:30pm, told our reporter:

"We have cut the old guys some slack. We have in any case found it increasingly difficult to get our gang members to go out on the street at this hour. We much prefer the darker, later hours."

Most elderly gang members are not expected to see 85 and gun crimes are predicted to worsen, but this doesn't bother Jeb Humpreheys, 84:

"By the time I've tied my bandanna on my head and put my bicycle chain around my neck there's no stopping me."

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