Nov 9, 2005
The home of world comedy spoof entertainment +++ Rioting Cuisine

Eat And Drink Special: Tips For The Ultimate French Riot Dinner Party

La joie de s'ameuter

Welcome to all our readers preparing for another night out on the streets of France.

We want to help you get the most out of your authentic rioting experience so, here, we present some ideas for eating, drinking and some useful phrases to help the evening go well.

Let's start off with some useful tips from renowned street chef Herves Shambolique. Here, Herves shows how you can feed an entire street with one burning car...

"Zis takes a beet of preparation before 'and, boot ze results are well worth ze effort. You will need one 'ole peeg, with ze innards removed beforehand, an apple and une portable roasting spit.

Find a medium sized half burned out (but still alight) car. Hang ze peeg on ze portable roasting spit, stick ze apple in ze peeg's mouth (at ze ver-ry last minute!), place over ze car and, voila!, start ze roasting.

Typical roasting times depend on ze make of car but can be as little as 6 and a half hours. Baste with any disgusting Californian wine, and make sure to keep enough to put ze fire out with it later on!

To get into ze spirit of la occasion, invite dinner guests to toast marshmallow on ze car in between throwing things and shouting." [See our French rioting phrase ideas below.]

And now, what to drink?

And, more importantly, is taking apéritif appropriate?

As far as we are concerned, the perfect pre riot apéritif is one or two medium Cointreau's or maybe a large single Suze, any more than that and it lays heavily on the stomach and you can't run as fast or throw things with the necessary accuracy.

A number of readers have asked us when is the best time to take apéritif? The opinion seems to be split. We, however, like to take aperitif about two hours before rioting, or avant de s'ameuter. Anything less than half an hour is cutting it a bit thin.

Now for the ages old question of which wine is best once the rioting is underway.

It's a difficult question and we have to go back to the Paris riots of 68 to find an answer. What is clear is that a little effort in selecting the correct wines before going out on the streets will pay dividends later.

Obviously your wine choice is affected by what you are eating, but never underestimate the size of the gathering in which you are participating, especially in situations of running riots, or sub-revolutionary activity.

So, with that in mind we suggest choosing a more inexpensive wine in riots of more than 75, perhaps a GRANDE CASSAGNE HIPPOLYTE BLANC 2002 is perfect, or maybe the slightly more expensive AMBROISE HAUTES COTE DE NUITS BLANC 2000.

For more intimate street insurgencies it is advisable to pay a little more because you can always offer a glass or two to police who may become more amenable. With that in mind perhaps go for a Magnum of Veuve Clicquot (Champagne), or possibly the highly regarded BEAUCASTEL 99 CHATEAUNEUF DU PAPE.


And finally, some useful French phrases you may need on the streets tonight:

I am only toasting marshmallows on this burning car, please do not shoot me.
Je grille seulement des guimauves sur cette voiture brûlante, svp ne me tire pas.
Police friends. Put down your batons and join us in a nice glass of CHATEAUNEUF DU PAPE 69.
Amis de police. Déposez vos bâtons et joignez-nous dans un gentil verre de CHATEAUNEUF DU PAPE 69.
Shit! That was a bit close. Mind where you throw those bombs, we're trying to eat over here.
Merde ! C'était une fin de peu. Occupez-vous d'où vous jettent ces bombes, nous essayons de manger ici.
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