June 10, 2005
The home of world comedy spoof entertainment +++ Juror Jaw Jaw

Michael Jackson Jury Told: 'Stop Building Up Your Role In Inevitable Movie'

We say: 6 days was more than enough

The jury in the Michael Jackson trial have been criticized for dragging out their deliberations 'simply to build up their role in the inevitable television docudrama of the case', our experts assure us.

At least three of the jurors, who cannot be named, are attempting to build up their role by making long speeches with tears in their eyes, drawing complex multicolored diagrams and singing and dancing Michael Jackson songs (including moon walks).

The benchmark for long-and-drawn-out speeches in movies was set by director Oliver Stone in his movie JFK, in which Kevin Costner's character had an almost 30 minute speech.

In an attempt to curtail further delays, each juror has been limited to making one 20 minute tear-filled speech a day.

A klaxon alarm also now goes off when any of the following words are mentioned: 'red, white and blue', patriotic, American, 'God Bless' and freedom.

Supplies of tissue, paper towels and buckets sent into the deliberations room indicate that jurors have been producing an abnormal amount of bodily fluids.

Cleaners of the room told our reporters that they are being asked to clean up evidence of histrionics and theatricality not normally seen in a deliberations room, but very common amongst 'thespian types'.

Later on in each day's deliberations, jurors can be heard standing up and applauding by smacking their butt cheeks loudly to get the circulation going again.

It is believed that the jurors are hoping for at least two weeks of deliberations to ensure a sizable role in the final movie.

The stakes are high: Were they to convict Jackson, the rights to the final movie will be much more lucrative than if they acquitted him as an acquittal means that all this will have been forgotten about in a couple of years.

Ironically, if Michael Jackson is convicted he could spend 70 years in jail and have to share a bed with a 300 lb lifer named The Chimp, according to a prison bed lottery web site

In any appeal against conviction, Kevin Costner has already been asked to play the lawyer.

Apology: Earlier reports that condoms have been sent into the deliberations room have been dismissed as another fabrication from the Newsweek team covering the story.

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