May 11, 2005
The home of world comedy spoof entertainment +++ Pre-Watch Review

Revenge of the Sith - Our First Pre-Watch Critical Review (including alleged spoilers)

'Sith Happens'

At last, the most hyped movie of the year is almost here...

The final part of the first trilogy of Star Wars prequels ties up most of the loose ends, so we are told, and we finally get answers to questions that have been annoying us for the last 28 years...

Questions such as:

Why did Princess Leia have Danish Pastry's for hair in Part IV?

When Chewbaca was a young rug, how did he comb his hair? Did he ever try a whole body middle parting?

Did R2D2 and C3PO really first meet in a gay bar?

Here we have our first review, based solely on rumour and innuendo...



Boy! what a film, filled with special effects and light sabres! Some say this episode is as good as Empire Strikes Back, and sheesh is that a point!

We are absolutely delighted to see that Jar Jar Binks is included in ROTS. (Are we the only ones who watched Episode One and loved this figure of profound comedic genius? Binks' long, floppy, ears and his deliciously slurpy talking style, not to mention that tongue which was a marketing tie-in joy from start to finish.)

Ewan McGregor's acting has made some critics demand that he go back to acting school, or at least take some refresher night classes. Has McGregor simply forgotten how to act? Or is he attempting to sabotage the movie by saying all his lines 'funny-like'? From what we have read, McGregor seems to succeed in sounding as 'pissed off' as Alec Guinness was to be associated with the original movie (Guinness always referred to Star Wars IV as that 'bloody film'). That sounds good enough for us guv.

As for wardrobe and decor: The capes and curtains are poorly color matched from start to finish, with, at times, the wrong kind of fabrics used. Why oh why oh why do the wardrobe people go for black every time? That is all just so 1970's! Darth Vader would look so much better in a nice burgundy, or cream, embellished by 16-32 oz bad boy gold curb chain. The minimalism of the badness is now simply too old fashioned for us: it's like an extra in Saturday Night Fever has just become the evilest man in the universe. What Vader needs is Bling! Bling! Bling!

Some of the dialogue is poor. Take this snippet from the movie, when Obe Wan sees Vader in a corridor:

Obe Wan: Oi, You!
Young Vader: Me?
Obe Wan: Yea, you!
Young Vader: What?
© LucasFilms 2005

Thankfully, computer animated Yoda does not disappoint. Yoda manages to 'cuff the lugholes' off a number of baddies and skilfully murders and mashs up his enemies with a humorousness not seen on the big screen since live action Scooby Doo. Bravisimo!

The main spoiler is, of course, what makes Anakin turn to the dark side. (The reason is because he is trying to protect pregnant Padme, his secret wife.)

One of the climaxes is the fight between Obe Wan and Darth Vader in which Obe Wan leaves Vader with no arms or legs just exactly like that scene in Monty Python's Holy Grail, except more expensively filmed. Watch as Vader's body and head stand upright on the ground shouting 'Coward!' 'Come back and fight!'

You are guaranteed to be rushing out to see Episode IV immediately after seeing this movie!

And finally, the biggest question of all, is answered:

Why did they make these movies in this order?

The answer is now clear: Had they done these films in the order 1, 2, 3... they never would have made episodes 4, 5 and 6....

This pre-watch review was completed after a study of rude comments (including text messages), very saucy innuendo and amateur reviews found on the internet before the movie has been released. At the time of writing this page we had not seen the movie.

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