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May 17, 2005
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More Newsweek Retractions and Apologies

Sorry sorry and sorry again...

Donald Rumsfeld We would like to apologize to Mr Rumsfeld for mistakenly reporting that he was seen performing in a Chippendale's stage show for his wife and Laura Bush, and '250 screaming women' on March 15, 2005 in New York City. In our report we said that the Secretary of Defense 'ripped off his shirt and waved it above his head.' We have since discovered that this report was based on information from an unreliable source who was not even in the country at the time.

Condoleeza Rice Our front page report which quoted directly from the US Secretary of State attributed to her the following quote: "When Chinese Premier Wen Jiabao walked over to me, his big panda-eye-sized glasses reminded me of a giant panda and I had to try hard not to laugh outrageously and at length. That is the problem with being Secretary of State like I am, you can't laugh at people who look like pandas." We have since discovered that Condoleeza Rice did not make these statements and it is unclear who actually did say them, or even if the statements were said at all. We do hope that the troop movements in the Taiwan Straights can be resolved amicably and before our next issue.

Paula Abdul In an Entertainment Exclusive piece last February, Newsweek reported that Paula Abdul had been cautioned by animal rights protesters when filming a video in which the singing sensation 'crushed with her bare hands' and then stuffed a live tortoise down a toilet and then flushed it. We are happy to confirm that this didn't happen, it wasn't Paula Abdul and the thing we reported to be a tortoise was in fact a pink colored sponge.

Orlando Bloom In our front page story Stars And Their Plastic Surgery, we reported that Orlando Bloom had had his nipples surgically enhanced 'specially for a topless bedroom scene'. We are happy to completely retract this report which was given to us in an e-mail from a hotmail account which has since been closed.

Jennifer Garner Our report that stated that Jennifer Gerner can speak 'fluent Klingon' was based on reports from a person who we thought was acting as her manager. It has since transpired that the person acting as her manager was in fact not her manager at all and may not even have been in the same room as us at the time when she gave us her statement.

In our technology special feature, What's Wrong with Bill?, we reported that the Xbox 360 was going to include technology which allowed the user to download porn 'one-million times faster than currently available'. We are happy to retract this report which, it transpires, was actually based on a comment made by a character in an episode of The Simpsons and was nothing to do with Microsoft at all.

Reports in our last edition of Newsweek, which said that Kenny Chesney proposed to Renee Zellwegger 'while line dancing', has since been proven to be completely without foundation. The report was based on pure speculation from a person called Deep Throat whom we secretly met in an underground car park at night. In fact it transpires that our source didn't even own the child's bicycle he arrived on in the first place.

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