Donald
Rumsfeld We would like to apologize to Mr Rumsfeld for mistakenly reporting
that he was seen performing in a Chippendale's stage show for his wife and Laura
Bush, and '250 screaming women' on March 15, 2005 in New York City. In our report
we said that the Secretary of Defense 'ripped off his shirt and waved it above
his head.' We have since discovered that this report was based on information
from an unreliable source who was not even in the country at the time.
Condoleeza
Rice Our front page report which quoted directly from the US Secretary of
State attributed to her the following quote: "When Chinese Premier Wen
Jiabao walked over to me, his big panda-eye-sized glasses reminded me of a giant
panda and I had to try hard not to laugh outrageously and at length. That is the
problem with being Secretary of State like I am, you can't laugh at people who
look like pandas." We have since discovered that Condoleeza Rice did
not make these statements and it is unclear who actually did say them, or even
if the statements were said at all. We do hope that the troop movements in the
Taiwan Straights can be resolved amicably and before our next issue.
Paula
Abdul In an Entertainment Exclusive piece last February, Newsweek reported
that Paula Abdul had been cautioned by animal rights protesters when filming a
video in which the singing sensation 'crushed with her bare hands' and then stuffed
a live tortoise down a toilet and then flushed it. We are happy to confirm that
this didn't happen, it wasn't Paula Abdul and the thing we reported to be a tortoise
was in fact a pink colored sponge.
Orlando
Bloom In our front page story Stars And Their Plastic Surgery, we reported
that Orlando Bloom had had his nipples surgically enhanced 'specially for a topless
bedroom scene'. We are happy to completely retract this report which was given
to us in an e-mail from a hotmail account which has since been closed.
Jennifer
Garner Our report that stated that Jennifer Gerner can speak 'fluent Klingon'
was based on reports from a person who we thought was acting as her manager. It
has since transpired that the person acting as her manager was in fact not her
manager at all and may not even have been in the same room as us at the time when
she gave us her statement.
In
our technology special feature, What's Wrong with Bill?, we reported that
the Xbox 360 was going to include technology which allowed the user to
download porn 'one-million times faster than currently available'. We are happy
to retract this report which, it transpires, was actually based on a comment made
by a character in an episode of The Simpsons and was nothing to do with
Microsoft at all.
Reports
in our last edition of Newsweek, which said that Kenny Chesney proposed
to Renee Zellwegger 'while line dancing', has since been proven to be completely
without foundation. The report was based on pure speculation from a person called
Deep Throat whom we secretly met in an underground car park at night. In fact
it transpires that our source didn't even own the child's bicycle he arrived on
in the first place.
