April 6, 2005
The home of world comedy spoof entertainment +++ Mourning Mayhem

Catholic Churches Don't Have Enough Room if Everyone Wants to Turn Up

Church Faces Mourning Frenzy Crisis

Catholic Churches across the world, battling massive declines in attendance for the last twenty years, are bracing themselves for one of the busiest weeks in living memory, we can report.

A priest told us:

"Some Catholic supermarkets have already run out of bread and wine after panic buying this weekend."

We have learned that, in the event of a riot, Vatican security services have not ruled out the use of the holy water canon.

An undisclosed Catholic church, which two months ago had 12 worshippers at Sunday service, had over 65,000 people turn up, unannounced.

Another priest said:

"We have noticed a gradual increase in the number of attendees at Church since the illness of the Pope was announced, but this weekend it was just craay-zy."

Attendance's have seen the largest growth if the church in question has been featured in television reports, especially if the reporter was standing outside the doors and even more so if cameras were allowed into the church.

All televised Catholic ceremonies are expected to be at capacity now for the next three weeks as world leaders get the best seats.

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