Catholic
Churches across the world, battling massive declines in attendance for the last
twenty years, are bracing themselves for one of the busiest weeks in living memory,
we can report.
A
priest told us:
"Some
Catholic supermarkets have already run out of bread and wine after panic buying
this weekend."
We
have learned that, in the event of a riot, Vatican security services have not
ruled out the use of the holy water canon.
An
undisclosed Catholic church, which two months ago had 12 worshippers at Sunday
service, had over 65,000 people turn up, unannounced.
Another
priest said:
"We
have noticed a gradual increase in the number of attendees at Church since the
illness of the Pope was announced, but this weekend it was just craay-zy."
Attendance's
have seen the largest growth if the church in question has been featured in television
reports, especially if the reporter was standing outside the doors and even more
so if cameras were allowed into the church.
All
televised Catholic ceremonies are expected to be at capacity now for the next
three weeks as world leaders get the best seats.
