London:
Great Ormond Street, the children's hospital that owns the rights to the
Peter Pan franchise, have commissioned a sequel to the classic JM Barrie story.
Using
up to the minute surveillance and garbage bag investigation techniques taught
us by the Taliban, we can reveal the main plot outline for the story, due out
next year...
We
have discovered that Peter Pan II is to be based on the life of a middle aged
singing superstar who teaches troublesome children (and their pets) to fly using
just their arms (and paws).
Peter
Pan is now a qualified Captain who has had extensive plastic surgery to make his
nose look like Concorde's so that he can fly faster.
Faced
with modern day political correctness gone mad, Pan is prosecuted by the authorities
for allowing some of his underage friends to fly at heights of 2000 ft without
the proper protective helmets, knee & elbow pads and flashing lights, during
the hours of darkness (with only the stars (and light pollution) to guide them).
(A separate prosecution is also brought when Nana, the family dog, urinates over
London mid-flight during the no wee curfew of 11pm-5am.)
The
case against Pan is brought by the evil District Attorney, Hook.
Pan
(wearing just his pyjamas) defeats Hook when the case against him degenerates
into a chaotic sword fight.
In
the ensuing commotion, and in spite of suffering from a bad back, Pan manages
to defeat both the District Attorney and all the bankruptcy lawyers in the world
with his sword.
Now
free from ever running out of money ever again, Peter Pan flies off to safety
and lives happily ever after... until he tries to bring out another album which
stinks on ice.
