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The
Society of the Long Winded Essay have revealed their five
nominations for long winded essay of the year.
Here,
exclusively, before any arty-farty web site get their mitts
on them, we present the first paragraphs from this prestigious
(in its own way) little known literary prize.
Bernard Braislawo, 543 pages, English language with some
Russian, Polish and Serbo Croat punctuation: "My Favourite
Bars of Soap"
How
many bars of soap have I ever truly known? According to
my diary, 4,546. But, do not fear, I am not going to detail
them all! - only my very favourite
2,500 bars! For ease of reference I have classified them
into five sub sections: Bath time, Hotels, Motels, Free
Gifts and Miscellaneous. Sit back and relax as I recount
pleasant memories past of these wonderful things... Starting
at number 2,500: Motel 6, Phoenix Arizona.
Felicity
Mooney, 767 pages, Russian language : "Dark and Moody
Russian Literature of the 19th Century"
"Pist!
The lights went out, leaving only a gloomy fire-lit ambience.
Papa rushed far too swiftly for his elderly 45 year frame
to find the candles and the matches, but was forced to beat
a slow 'hoppy' retreat back into the sitting room after
knocking, heavily, his gammy
knee." I have never forgotten this passage from Leonard
Putevsky's classic novel in twelve parts, "Dark",
one of my favourite 23,500 page Russian novels off all time.
Let me explain...
Reverend
Thomas Malthiasus, 401 pages, English and Hebrew: "My
favourite begats from the Bible, Genesis, Chapter 5"
Twas
Adam who begat Seth. Twas Seth who begat Enos. Did Enos
begat? Of course he did, mate, Enos begat Cainan! Surely
Cainan begat someone too? Yep, most assuredly. Cainan begat
Mahalaleel... Bible readers are constantly telling me that
the 'begat bits' in the Bible are the most boring passages
in the whole book. I whole heartily disagree, and, for the
next 400 pages of closely typed text, let me explain why.
Duke Ellingbad, 876 pages, US English, Spanish: "Watching
Paint Dry"
Of
all of the 650,000 ways to apply paint, my favourite 12,500
are...
Majoray Blueister, 1400 pages, "What society would
be like without chairs"
Have
you ever wondered what modern society would be like if chairs
had not been invented yet? Well, I have, and here I am to
tell of the horror and mayhem that not being able to sit
comfortably would have on each and every-one of us...
