Sponsored
by |
 |
The
Society of the Long Winded Essay have revealed their five nominations for long
winded essay of the year.
Here,
exclusively, before any arty-farty web site get their mitts on them, we present
the first paragraphs from this prestigious (in its own way) little known literary
prize.
Bernard Braislawo, 543 pages, English language with some Russian, Polish and Serbo
Croat punctuation: "My Favourite Bars of Soap"
How
many bars of soap have I ever truly known? According to my diary, 4,546. But,
do not fear, I am not going to detail them all! - only my
very favourite 2,500 bars! For ease of reference I have classified them into five
sub sections: Bath time, Hotels, Motels, Free Gifts and Miscellaneous. Sit back
and relax as I recount pleasant memories past of these wonderful things... Starting
at number 2,500: Motel 6, Phoenix Arizona.
Felicity
Mooney, 767 pages, Russian language : "Dark and Moody Russian Literature
of the 19th Century"
"Pist!
The lights went out, leaving only a gloomy fire-lit ambience. Papa rushed far
too swiftly for his elderly 45 year frame to find the candles and the matches,
but was forced to beat a slow 'hoppy' retreat back into the sitting room after
knocking, heavily, his gammy
knee." I have never forgotten this passage from Leonard Putevsky's classic
novel in twelve parts, "Dark", one of my favourite 23,500 page Russian
novels off all time. Let me explain...
Reverend
Thomas Malthiasus, 401 pages, English and Hebrew: "My favourite begats from
the Bible, Genesis, Chapter 5"
Twas
Adam who begat Seth. Twas Seth who begat Enos. Did Enos begat? Of course he did,
mate, Enos begat Cainan! Surely Cainan begat someone too? Yep, most assuredly.
Cainan begat Mahalaleel... Bible readers are constantly telling me that the 'begat
bits' in the Bible are the most boring passages in the whole book. I whole heartily
disagree, and, for the next 400 pages of closely typed text, let me explain why.
Duke Ellingbad, 876 pages, US English, Spanish: "Watching Paint Dry"
Of
all of the 650,000 ways to apply paint, my favourite 12,500 are...
Majoray Blueister, 1400 pages, "What society would be like without chairs"
Have
you ever wondered what modern society would be like if chairs had not been invented
yet? Well, I have, and here I am to tell of the horror and mayhem that not being
able to sit comfortably would have on each and every-one of us...
