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Shortlist for The Long Winded Essay of the Year

Competition open to all Essays over 400 pages long
Sponsored by

The Society of the Long Winded Essay have revealed their five nominations for long winded essay of the year.

Here, exclusively, before any arty-farty web site get their mitts on them, we present the first paragraphs from this prestigious (in its own way) little known literary prize.

Bernard Braislawo, 543 pages, English language with some Russian, Polish and Serbo Croat punctuation: "My Favourite Bars of Soap"

How many bars of soap have I ever truly known? According to my diary, 4,546. But, do not fear, I am not going to detail them all! - only my very favourite 2,500 bars! For ease of reference I have classified them into five sub sections: Bath time, Hotels, Motels, Free Gifts and Miscellaneous. Sit back and relax as I recount pleasant memories past of these wonderful things... Starting at number 2,500: Motel 6, Phoenix Arizona.

Felicity Mooney, 767 pages, Russian language : "Dark and Moody Russian Literature of the 19th Century"

"Pist! The lights went out, leaving only a gloomy fire-lit ambience. Papa rushed far too swiftly for his elderly 45 year frame to find the candles and the matches, but was forced to beat a slow 'hoppy' retreat back into the sitting room after knocking, heavily, his gammy knee." I have never forgotten this passage from Leonard Putevsky's classic novel in twelve parts, "Dark", one of my favourite 23,500 page Russian novels off all time. Let me explain...

Reverend Thomas Malthiasus, 401 pages, English and Hebrew: "My favourite begats from the Bible, Genesis, Chapter 5"

Twas Adam who begat Seth. Twas Seth who begat Enos. Did Enos begat? Of course he did, mate, Enos begat Cainan! Surely Cainan begat someone too? Yep, most assuredly. Cainan begat Mahalaleel... Bible readers are constantly telling me that the 'begat bits' in the Bible are the most boring passages in the whole book. I whole heartily disagree, and, for the next 400 pages of closely typed text, let me explain why.

Duke Ellingbad, 876 pages, US English, Spanish: "Watching Paint Dry"

Of all of the 650,000 ways to apply paint, my favourite 12,500 are...

Majoray Blueister, 1400 pages, "What society would be like without chairs"

Have you ever wondered what modern society would be like if chairs had not been invented yet? Well, I have, and here I am to tell of the horror and mayhem that not being able to sit comfortably would have on each and every-one of us...

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