The home of world comedy truth entertainment +++ Martha Stewart in Camp Cupcake

Ask Martha Stewart - Prison Tips: Living with 60 Other Women

Martha answers your questions
55170-054: Camp Cupcake Exclusive

"During the next 5 excruciating months, beginning in the important pre Thanksgiving and Christmas marketing cycle, I intend to answer as many questions that I can, so drop me a line at martha@ thevoiceofreason.com.

And, while we're not on the subject, remember that a gift subscription to one of our magazines really can make the festivities extra special!

I've already had a number of questions, so let's kick off right away..."

Samantha, Guernery: I hear women in these prisons have nick names for their fellow inmates. Do you have a name yet?

Martha: Yes. They call me Stick. I think this is because I am about 150 pounds lighter than most of the other inmates.

Martha, Cankerville: I saw a documentary on all women gaols once. Have they given you a 'Newbie Crap Dunking' yet?

Martha: If that's when they fill up the toilet to the brim and then dunk you down head first with your mouth taped open, then not yet... But I'm only on the second week of my initiation fortnight so far. If any of them want jobs when I get out I'm seriously not expecting it: call me old fashioned, but I could never have a Vice President who did that to me.

Hydrangea, Concerned: I hear that throwing things and screaming is the order of the day in women only jails. Have you witnessed anything like this yet, or even indulged yourself?

Martha: The camp seems to be well ordered with a clear link between seniority and heaviness. I have already made friends with Twiggy and Naomi who, despite their super model names, are both defiantly sumo sized! I can see a great future for us together. We now have the microwave under our control, and I have already been at work making it ping! (Details in my book of Microwave Cooking due out in time for Christmas.)

Heidy, Orlando: What are your plans for Thanksgiving?

Martha: Well, if the power structure holds, not only do we have control of the microwave, we stole 10 sacks of potatoes in a dawn raid yesterday, so let's see what we can cook up with a little trading!

Gerald, Toboggan: My only experience of prison is that I saw the movie Tango and Cash on TV the other day. I bet it's just like that isn't it?

Martha: If you can imagine hard and gritty mixed with chocolate, that's the best I can describe it. Wait for my movie and television spin off series pencilled in for May next year and July 2006 respectively, or maybe my nationally syndicated daily cartoon strip set to begin next month.

Joel, Albatrossville: I hear that there's lots of lusty rampant naughtiness in those all women gaols, is this true?

Martha: 60 women, two toilets, two showers and one microwave? You'll have to wait for my 8 part serialisation in all good newspapers for the details, all I can tell you here is that it is everything you would expect, and more!

Megan, Toledo: I have heard that women jails smell musty and like sick. Tell me this ain't so!

Martha: One of my first small improvements on entering this 'correctional facility' was to put the single air freshener to its optimal height. If you get it in line of the airstream then it really does make a pleasant difference! - sicky spring freshness!

If you have a question you would like to ask Martha, then please email her at:

martha@thevoiceofreason.com

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