Camp Cupcake Exclusive
the next 5 excruciating months, beginning in the important
pre Thanksgiving and Christmas marketing cycle, I intend
to answer as many questions that I can, so drop me a line
while we're not on the subject, remember that a gift subscription
to one of our magazines really can make the festivities
already had a number of questions, so let's kick off right
Guernery: I hear women in these prisons have
nick names for their fellow inmates. Do you have a name
Yes. They call me Stick. I think this is because I am about
150 pounds lighter than most of the other inmates.
Cankerville: I saw a documentary on all women
gaols once. Have they given you a 'Newbie Crap Dunking'
If that's when they fill up the toilet to the brim and then
dunk you down head first with your mouth taped open, then
not yet... But I'm only on the second week of my initiation
fortnight so far. If any of them want jobs when I get out
I'm seriously not expecting it: call me old fashioned, but
I could never have a Vice President who did that to me.
Concerned: I hear that throwing things and screaming
is the order of the day in women only jails. Have you witnessed
anything like this yet, or even indulged yourself?
The camp seems to be well ordered with a clear link between
seniority and heaviness. I have already made friends with
Twiggy and Naomi who, despite their super model names, are
both defiantly sumo sized! I can see a great future for
us together. We now have the microwave under our control,
and I have already been at work making it ping! (Details
in my book of Microwave Cooking due out in time for Christmas.)
Orlando: What are your plans for Thanksgiving?
Well, if the power structure holds, not only do we have
control of the microwave, we stole 10 sacks of potatoes
in a dawn raid yesterday, so let's see what we can cook
up with a little trading!
Toboggan: My only experience of prison is that
I saw the movie Tango and Cash on TV the other day. I bet
it's just like that isn't it?
If you can imagine hard and gritty mixed with chocolate,
that's the best I can describe it. Wait for my movie and
television spin off series pencilled in for May next year
and July 2006 respectively, or maybe my nationally syndicated
daily cartoon strip set to begin next month.
Albatrossville: I hear that there's lots of lusty
rampant naughtiness in those all women gaols, is this true?
60 women, two toilets, two showers and one microwave? You'll
have to wait for my 8 part serialisation in all good newspapers
for the details, all I can tell you here is that it is everything
you would expect, and more!
Toledo: I have heard that women jails smell musty
and like sick. Tell me this ain't so!
One of my first small improvements on entering this 'correctional
facility' was to put the single air freshener to its optimal
height. If you get it in line of the airstream then it really
does make a pleasant difference! - sicky spring freshness!
you have a question you would like to ask Martha, then please
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