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The
'more controversial than Atkins' Panic Attack
Diet
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A
new diet, which requires participants to suffer 30 whole minutes
of hysterical panic every day, is set to hit the bookshelves
this July.
The
diet is being launched using the current heightened state
of security as a marketing plus.
People
on the Panic Attack Diet™© are scared witless for
30 minutes each day in an attempt to control their metabolism.
One
of the drawbacks of the diet is that participants sometimes
lose all of their hair. There is also some evidence that it
could be linked to heart attacks.
The
diet is particularly effective for the extremely cowardly,
people who are naturally timid, and those who are unable to
cope when faced with even mild levels of stress.
Heroic fatties are unlikely to be able to simulate the required
levels of hopeless insecurity required for optimal weight
loss through this diet.
The
advantage of this diet is that the participant, or victim,
as they are known, can eat anything they want, they are just
too frightened to.
-*-*-*-
Each
victim of the diet is given twenty, three page, panic scenarios.
The
dieter follows the developing scene of hopelessness which
is designed to induced a heightened level of paranoia and
panic. We are printing an example of a typical panic scenario
below.
An online, interactive, version of the diet is to be made
available later in the year.
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PANIC
FLASH CARDS
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| Page
1 |
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You
are about to be taken hostage. You are surrounded.
You are completely defenceless. PANIC NOW!
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| Turn
the page after ten minutes... |
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| Page
2
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Oooh,
what's that? Can't hear anything? Things
might be looking up!
No,
that click you just heard is someone taking
the safety catch off a gun! You are completely
doomed once more! PANIC AGAIN!
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| Turn
the page after ten minutes... |
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| Page
3 |
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Heard
nothing yet? Well your attackers are just
around the corner. RUN AROUND IN CIRCLES
NOW! PANIC for another 10 minutes!
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| Following
your panic workout, lay motionless on the
bed or floor for 30 minutes |
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Example
of Panic Flash cards, part of the panic diet.
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Pleeeeease...
e-mail a link to this story to a friend
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