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Now
that President George W Bush is safely outside British airspace
(following his state visit to England), we can reveal here,
for the first time, what was probably the biggest security
threat he faced during the visit... Join us as we ask:
"Was
the President in any danger when he ate Mushy Peas during
the traditional fish and chips pub lunch with Prime Minister
Tony Blair on Friday...?"
Mushy
Peas are 'industrially processed' peas which are mashed up
into an almost-pulp [with a green colour added (otherwise
they would be brown)] and then sealed in a can. They are then
carefully opened in the traditional English Chippy (fish and
chip shop), warmed up, and then slopped liberally over fish
and chips.
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Historical
'Did you know?'
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1418:
In poorly lit English pubs Mushy Peas had a fluorescent
dye added to enable dining without the need for
expensive candles.
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Our
security advisors have told us that President Bush's security
was never more at risk than while he ate these Mushy Peas.
Mushy
Peas taste like a nicely warm rug.
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'Does
the President know what Mushy Peas are made out
of?'
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It
is true that, throughout the entire history of the Mushy Pea,
no dignitary visiting England has died from eating them, but
this is the first time we have ever heard of a visiting dignitary
ever being given them to eat. The Queen of England has probably
never even heard of them, even less likely eaten them.
Mushy
Peas were given a major boost in the 1970's with the release
of the movie
The Exorcist - the projectile vomit is widely
believed to have been inspired by Mushy Peas.
Mushy
Peas have become more popular than tomato ketchup in some
parts of England.
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Survey
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During
the President's state visit to England over 120,000
people demonstrated against the visit on the streets
of London.
In
our survey, taken at Westminster Bridge Thursday night,
35% of the demonstrators questioned said that if President
Bush ate Mushy Peas during his stay it would make up
in large part for lying about the reasons for going
to war in Iraq.
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-*-*-*-*-
This
is the official English Pub Lunch Menu prepared for the President's
visit:
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Ye
Olde Englifh Menu
Starters
Tripe'
n 'Onions
(Layers
of cooked fat 'n' onions)
Mini
Faggots
(Small
meatballs, made out of various undisclosed "meats")
Pilchards
in tomato sauce
(Processed
fish)
Pork
Scratchings
(Pork
flavoured crisps/chips)
Main
Course
Bubble
and Squeak
(Cabbage
and potato fried together in lard)
Bangers
and Mash
(Sausages
and mashed potato)
Toad
in the Hole
(Sausages
in batter/Yorkshire pudding)
Fish
and Chips served in newspaper (with traditional wooden
two pronged fork) (Optional extras: Mushy Peas, Onion
Gravy, Curry Sauce)
Afters
Spotted
Dick with custard
(Sweet
pudding with currants/sultanas)
Clotted
Cream and Scones
(Margarine
thick/coloured cream and sweet buns with currents)
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