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World Exclusive President Bush's Mushy Pea Security Threat Revealed
Pub lunch 'Exorcist' threat

Now that President George W Bush is safely outside British airspace (following his state visit to England), we can reveal here, for the first time, what was probably the biggest security threat he faced during the visit... Join us as we ask:

"Was the President in any danger when he ate Mushy Peas during the traditional fish and chips pub lunch with Prime Minister Tony Blair on Friday...?"

'Ate Mushy Peas'

Mushy Peas are 'industrially processed' peas which are mashed up into an almost-pulp [with a green colour added (otherwise they would be brown)] and then sealed in a can. They are then carefully opened in the traditional English Chippy (fish and chip shop), warmed up, and then slopped liberally over fish and chips.

Historical 'Did you know?'
1418: In poorly lit English pubs Mushy Peas had a fluorescent dye added to enable dining without the need for expensive candles.

Our security advisors have told us that President Bush's security was never more at risk than while he ate these Mushy Peas.

Mushy Peas taste like a nicely warm rug.

'Does the President know what Mushy Peas are made out of?'

It is true that, throughout the entire history of the Mushy Pea, no dignitary visiting England has died from eating them, but this is the first time we have ever heard of a visiting dignitary ever being given them to eat. The Queen of England has probably never even heard of them, even less likely eaten them.

Mushy Peas were given a major boost in the 1970's with the release of the movie The Exorcist - the projectile vomit is widely believed to have been inspired by Mushy Peas.

Mushy Peas have become more popular than tomato ketchup in some parts of England.

Pea off

During the President's state visit to England over 120,000 people demonstrated against the visit on the streets of London.

In our survey, taken at Westminster Bridge Thursday night, 35% of the demonstrators questioned said that if President Bush ate Mushy Peas during his stay it would make up in large part for lying about the reasons for going to war in Iraq.


This is the official English Pub Lunch Menu prepared for the President's visit:

Ye Olde Englifh Menu

Tripe' n 'Onions
(Layers of cooked fat 'n' onions)
Mini Faggots
(Small meatballs, made out of various undisclosed "meats")
Pilchards in tomato sauce
(Processed fish)
Pork Scratchings

(Pork flavoured crisps/chips)

Main Course
Bubble and Squeak
(Cabbage and potato fried together in lard)
Bangers and Mash
(Sausages and mashed potato)
Toad in the Hole
(Sausages in batter/Yorkshire pudding)

Fish and Chips served in newspaper (with traditional wooden two pronged fork) (Optional extras: Mushy Peas, Onion Gravy, Curry Sauce)

Spotted Dick with custard
(Sweet pudding with currants/sultanas)
Clotted Cream and Scones
(Margarine thick/coloured cream and sweet buns with currents)
Various Ice Creams

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