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Your Halloween Trick or Treat Horoscopes
Let your stars guide you
March 20 - April 19
Halloween masks featuring past presidents and circus animals are well starred, however avoid masks of George W Bush, including any of his administration, as there is a risk of buckets of water (or sand) being thrown from upper windows if you do not live in the USA. Favour houses with more than three pumpkins around the door.
April 20 - May 19

Beware red candy in all of its forms, especially lollipops with transparent wrappings, given to you by old ladies with kindly eyes and a limp. Today your lucky trick or treat house number will include a 6. Ensure any calls on houses with yellow curtains are only attempted after the hour of 7pm.

May 20-June 20
Use any bad weather, especially unexpectedly violent downpours (we might as well include buckets of water from your high window flinging critics here too) as an aid in your trick or treat blackmailing aims. Whilst, to you, it will feel uncomfortably wet, to your potential treaters it looks unbelievably cute - treats will freely jump from their impressed hands. Your lucky trick or treat house number includes a 2 which is slightly askew.
June 21-July 21
During the dressing-up phase of your trick or treating, a well loved relation will offer inappropriate red-glossy-lipstick-around-the-mouth advice (they are being influenced by inaccurate memories of their youth - you know what grown ups are like). At all costs, determinedly refuse to apply any makeup donated by relatives who have recently died, even though the irony of this pleases the planets. Your lucky house number is a house with no number... (yar hargh harhhhh...)
July 22-August 22
Your Egyptian trick or treat theme is ill starred - you should have gone for that Dracula costume suggested to you during one of Mercury's creative moments of retrograde. Force your dog (aka camel) to relieve himself before putting on the humps lest you run the ancient risk of being cursed for moments of disgrace at strangers doors. Your lucky house decoration is flashing irregularly.
August 23-Sept 21
The fireworks your older brother gave you for your attack on houses whose inhabitants are rude when they answer the door should be kept in an airtight, metal, box before lighting. Remember when lighting fireworks: Light at arms length, stand well back, and never return to a house you have launched a firework at. Your lucky firework sounds like: Whizz Bang Pop ZZZZZZZZZ-itttttkkkkKKK wwwiiiiiiooooooo ke ke ke ke zzz...
Sept 22-Oct 22
Your Libran tendency to bully smaller children will be put to good use during your trick or treat endeavours tonight. Always ensure you, alone, are responsible for the candy bag at all times. Remember that real trick or treat power lies in the distribution of the candy at the end of the night...
Oct 23-Nov 21
Last year's trick or treat running street battles left much simmering resentment, plan for retribution and do not be afraid to accept offers of overwhelming protection from older brothers, sisters, overly protective parents, the military, or anyone who can do that really cool flying back-flip punch without the yelp.
Nov 22-Dec 21
Following last year's trick or treat outing, which quickly degenerated into a campaign of setting off car alarms, expect some form of retribution which the stars are unable to offer accurate advice on. Luckily, at your age, the hand prints left on the cars last year will not be traceable to you or your buddies - any grown up who says anything different is bluffing. Take the candy and run, ensuring your nominated tester tries everything before it is consumed by other gang members higher up in the hierarchy.
Dec 22-Jan 19
This year's Marilyn Mansen Halloween outfits are set to impress everyone you see, and will hold you in particularly good stead with a local chapter of the Hells Angels (and most other bike-based ruffians). However, no matter how persuasively they beg you, do not allow them to accompany you in your trick or treating - on the one hand you will get a better than usual catch of candy, however they will take more than their fair share in payment at the end of the night.
Jan 20-Feb 17
Your (at the time seemingly brilliant) idea of washing windscreens dressed in Halloween costumes at a popular road junction is doomed to failure on many levels. Unbeknownst to you, but beknownst to the local police, there have been a spate of violent attacks in your area by grown ups doing exactly (in exactly every detail) what you are intending to do. Your only defence is your shortness. Enjoy this period of height based disability as it will not last.
Feb 18-March 19

Whilst what your parents have told you is true (that you should run away, screaming, if you feel threatened during trick or treating*) it is also a fact that most really scary / threatening people overcompensate for their scariness with generous treats at this, their favourite, time of the year. Clearly this is only true if they don't kill you first. Use local crime statistics to guide you in your running away / screaming decisions.

*Unless you are the house owner in which case just close the door.

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