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Your Halloween Trick or Treat Horoscopes
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Let
your stars guide you
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Aries
March
20 - April 19
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 Halloween
masks featuring past presidents and circus animals are well
starred, however avoid masks of George W Bush, including any
of his administration, as there is a risk of buckets of water
(or sand) being thrown from upper windows if you do not live
in the USA. Favour houses with more than three pumpkins around
the door. |
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Taurus
April
20 - May 19
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Beware
red candy in all of its forms, especially lollipops with transparent
wrappings, given to you by old ladies with kindly eyes and
a limp. Today your lucky trick or treat house number will
include a 6. Ensure any calls on houses with yellow curtains
are only attempted after the hour of 7pm.
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Gemini
May
20-June
20
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| Use
any bad weather, especially unexpectedly violent downpours (we
might as well include buckets of water from your high window
flinging critics here too) as an aid in your trick or treat
blackmailing aims. Whilst, to you, it will feel uncomfortably
wet, to your potential treaters it looks unbelievably cute -
treats will freely jump from their impressed hands. Your lucky
trick or treat house number includes a 2 which is slightly askew. |
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Cancer
June
21-July 21
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| During
the dressing-up phase of your trick or treating, a well loved
relation will offer inappropriate red-glossy-lipstick-around-the-mouth
advice (they are being influenced by inaccurate memories of
their youth - you know what grown ups are like). At all costs,
determinedly refuse to apply any makeup donated by relatives
who have recently died, even though the irony of this pleases
the planets. Your lucky house number is a house with no number...
(yar hargh harhhhh...) |
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Leo
July
22-August 22
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| Your
Egyptian trick or treat theme is ill starred - you should have
gone for that Dracula costume suggested to you during one of
Mercury's creative moments of retrograde. Force your
dog (aka camel) to relieve himself before putting on
the humps lest you run the ancient risk of being cursed for
moments of disgrace at strangers doors. Your lucky house
decoration is flashing irregularly. |
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Virgo
August
23-Sept 21
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| The
fireworks your older brother gave you for your attack on houses
whose inhabitants are rude when they answer the door should
be kept in an airtight, metal, box before lighting. Remember
when lighting fireworks: Light at arms length, stand well back,
and never return to a house you have launched a firework at.
Your lucky firework sounds like: Whizz Bang Pop ZZZZZZZZZ-itttttkkkkKKK
wwwiiiiiiooooooo ke ke ke ke zzz... |
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Libra
Sept
22-Oct 22
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| Your
Libran tendency to bully smaller children will be put to good
use during your trick or treat endeavours tonight. Always ensure
you, alone, are responsible for the candy bag at all times.
Remember that real trick or treat power lies in the distribution
of the candy at the end of the night... |
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| Last
year's trick or treat running street battles left much simmering
resentment, plan for retribution and do not be afraid to accept
offers of overwhelming protection from older brothers, sisters,
overly protective parents, the military, or anyone who can do
that really cool flying back-flip punch without the yelp. |
Sagittarius
Nov
22-Dec 21
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| Following
last year's trick or treat outing, which quickly degenerated
into a campaign of setting off car alarms, expect some form
of retribution which the stars are unable to offer accurate
advice on. Luckily, at your age, the hand prints left on the
cars last year will not be traceable to you or your buddies
- any grown up who says anything different is bluffing. Take
the candy and run, ensuring your nominated tester tries everything
before it is consumed by other gang members higher up in the
hierarchy. |
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| This
year's Marilyn Mansen Halloween outfits are set to impress everyone
you see, and will hold you in particularly good stead with a
local chapter of the Hells Angels (and most other bike-based
ruffians). However, no matter how persuasively they beg you,
do not allow them to accompany you in your trick or treating
- on the one hand you will get a better than usual catch
of candy, however they will take more than their fair share
in payment at the end of the night. |
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Aquarius
Jan
20-Feb 17
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| Your
(at the time seemingly brilliant) idea of washing windscreens
dressed in Halloween costumes at a popular road junction is
doomed to failure on many levels. Unbeknownst to you, but beknownst
to the local police, there have been a spate of violent attacks
in your area by grown ups doing exactly (in exactly every detail)
what you are intending to do. Your only defence is your shortness.
Enjoy this period of height based disability as it will not
last. |
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Pisces
Feb
18-March 19
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Whilst
what your parents have told you is true (that you should
run away, screaming, if you feel threatened during trick
or treating*) it is also a fact that most really scary /
threatening people overcompensate for their scariness with
generous treats at this, their favourite, time of the year.
Clearly this is only true if they don't kill you first.
Use local crime statistics to guide you in your running
away / screaming decisions.
*Unless
you are the house owner in which case just close the door.
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