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| Movie
mayhem | | Arnold
Schwarzenegger has made over 18 movies that have been 'deliberately forgotten
about', had their release 'indefinitely postponed', or were 'incinerated using
controlled explosions to prevent them being revealed were he ever to decide to
run for public office', this we can now reveal. Today,
for the first time on any web site in the world, we can report what some of these
movies were, as we ask:
Is Arnold Schwarzenegger
the rock-hard-pec'd be-muscled pillar of upstanding movie-entertainment that he
would want us to believe? The
lengths that Schwarzenegger's
management has gone to suppress these 'forgotten' movies is one of the most shocking
examples of naked (or at least shirt off) political ambition that we have ever
seen. We
began our investigation in late 2001 after being invited to a prerelease screening
of Collateral Damage, at the time Schwarzenegger's
latest release. This
was on September 9, 2001. Events
then overtook the world. When we called Warner Brothers on September, 13, to ask
whether the movie's release was to be delayed, after a few pauses, and being put
on hold for 25 minutes (with Ricky Martin singing at twice normal speed), we were
eventually told that the movie did not exist, that it had never existed, and,
were we to say anything to the contrary, we would be hearing from 'some very expensive
lawyers in the morning'. Shocked,
and yet, at the same time, excited, by the Watergatedness of these developments,
our reviewer, who had personally sat through the prerelease of the movie, called
senior management at the studio calling them liars and threatening them, inappropriately,
with kung fu moves that don't exist. By
5pm on September, 15, the studio had changed their story. Yes the movie did exist.
Yes, with the benefit of hindsight, this is a really badly timed movie, but even
so, yes it will be released in due course. They then apologized for their 'corporate
amnesia', blaming it on the introduction of a new anti-terrorism siren introduced
at central office. It
was around this time that a man in a dark garage told us this was just the tip
of the iceberg and encouraged us to investigate further. For
the next two years we tracked down as many of the 18 'lost' Schwarzenegger movies,
most of which now only exist in the memories of people too scared to come forward
to talk openly. So, after some of the most exorbitant travel expenses in post
Watergate history, of early morning breakfasts in seedy diners, sitting on the
edge of beds talking quietly in crummy motels, singing around camp fires and dancing
in a grass skirt at a Hoola party in Hawaii, we can now reveal four of the forgotten
Schwarzenegger
movies:
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| 1972:
Seminal Australian Movie | | The
Dunny Dreamer (1972) - Australian Film Corporation. Then named Arnold Strong,
our hero plays Mickey Hutchense, a 'Dunnyman', in the 1940's Australian outback.
Due to the lack of a sewerage system in Australian homes at this time in history,
the Dunnyman was the most important member of the village, removing household
sewerage from houses to stop disease spreading. In this seminal movie we see our
hero go from door to door befriending fat-ish Australian women called Sheila,
but never losing his dream of being ever more muscled on a worldwide stage. Fiddler
on the Roof (1983) - Paramount Pictures - remake of classic movie. Arnold
Schwarzenegger plays Tevye, the character made famous by Topol in the original
version. His singing voice has been blanked out, a rare security measure undertaken
to stop people like us reporting what it sounded like. Witnesses tell us that,
when singing the song 'If I were a rich man', Schwarzenegger "sounded like
a hippopotamus with salt poured on an open wound".
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| Twins
sequel - Destroyed by studio in "Controlled explosion" |
| Quadruplets
(1994) - Nostrodamus Pictures - following up from Twins, the Danny Devito
hit, Schwarzenegger is joined this time by Silvestor Stalone, Herve Vilichaize
and Verne Troyer in a 'hilarious' Moroccan based mistaken identity comedy, involving
the fish trade and fast cars. Kindergarten
Governor (2004) - Muscley Pictures inc - Sequel to Kindergarten Cop - an undercover,
but once very muscled, actor, becomes California Governor, rescuing the state
from an incompetent, but not very muscled, administration. Our
investigation continues... If
you have any information about any of the other 14 suppressed Schwarzenegger movies,
please let us know at editor@thevoiceofreason.com
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