 |
|
Movie
mayhem
|
|
Arnold
Schwarzenegger has made over 18 movies that have been 'deliberately
forgotten about', had their release 'indefinitely postponed',
or were 'incinerated using controlled explosions to prevent
them being revealed were he ever to decide to run for public
office', this we can now reveal.
Today,
for the first time on any web site in the world, we can report
what some of these movies were, as we ask:
Is Arnold Schwarzenegger
the rock-hard-pec'd be-muscled pillar of upstanding movie-entertainment
that he would want us to believe?
The
lengths that Schwarzenegger's
management has gone to suppress these 'forgotten' movies is
one of the most shocking examples of naked (or at least shirt
off) political ambition that we have ever seen.
We
began our investigation in late 2001 after being invited to
a prerelease screening of Collateral Damage, at the time Schwarzenegger's
latest release.
This
was on September 9, 2001.
Events
then overtook the world. When we called Warner Brothers on
September, 13, to ask whether the movie's release was to be
delayed, after a few pauses, and being put on hold for 25
minutes (with Ricky Martin singing at twice normal speed),
we were eventually told that the movie did not exist, that
it had never existed, and, were we to say anything to the
contrary, we would be hearing from 'some very expensive lawyers
in the morning'.
Shocked,
and yet, at the same time, excited, by the Watergatedness
of these developments, our reviewer, who had personally sat
through the prerelease of the movie, called senior management
at the studio calling them liars and threatening them, inappropriately,
with kung fu moves that don't exist.
By
5pm on September, 15, the studio had changed their story.
Yes the movie did exist. Yes, with the benefit of hindsight,
this is a really badly timed movie, but even so, yes it will
be released in due course. They then apologized for their
'corporate amnesia', blaming it on the introduction of a new
anti-terrorism siren introduced at central office.
It
was around this time that a man in a dark garage told us this
was just the tip of the iceberg and encouraged us to investigate
further.
For
the next two years we tracked down as many of the 18 'lost'
Schwarzenegger movies, most of which now only exist in the
memories of people too scared to come forward to talk openly.
So, after some of the most exorbitant travel expenses in post
Watergate history, of early morning breakfasts in seedy diners,
sitting on the edge of beds talking quietly in crummy motels,
singing around camp fires and dancing in a grass skirt at
a Hoola party in Hawaii, we can now reveal four of the forgotten
Schwarzenegger
movies:
 |
|
1972:
Seminal Australian Movie
|
|
The
Dunny Dreamer (1972) - Australian Film Corporation. Then
named Arnold Strong, our hero plays Mickey Hutchense, a 'Dunnyman',
in the 1940's Australian outback. Due to the lack of a sewerage
system in Australian homes at this time in history, the Dunnyman
was the most important member of the village, removing household
sewerage from houses to stop disease spreading. In this seminal
movie we see our hero go from door to door befriending fat-ish
Australian women called Sheila, but never losing his dream
of being ever more muscled on a worldwide stage.
Fiddler
on the Roof (1983) - Paramount Pictures - remake of classic
movie. Arnold Schwarzenegger plays Tevye, the character made
famous by Topol in the original version. His singing voice
has been blanked out, a rare security measure undertaken to
stop people like us reporting what it sounded like. Witnesses
tell us that, when singing the song 'If I were a rich man',
Schwarzenegger "sounded like a hippopotamus with salt
poured on an open wound".
|
|
Twins
sequel - Destroyed by studio in "Controlled
explosion"
|
|
Quadruplets
(1994) - Nostrodamus Pictures - following up from Twins,
the Danny Devito hit, Schwarzenegger is joined this time by
Silvestor Stalone, Herve Vilichaize and Verne Troyer in a
'hilarious' Moroccan based mistaken identity comedy, involving
the fish trade and fast cars.
Kindergarten
Governor (2004) - Muscley Pictures inc - Sequel to Kindergarten
Cop - an undercover, but once very muscled, actor, becomes
California Governor, rescuing the state from an incompetent,
but not very muscled, administration.
Our
investigation continues...
If
you have any information about any of the other 14 suppressed
Schwarzenegger movies, please let us know at editor@thevoiceofreason.com
--- Please
tell a friend about this story
--
|
