| It
is 19th June 2003. Only two more days until the most eagerly
anticipated children's book in the history of blah blah
blah is released... Harry Potter and the Order of the
Phoenix is released on 21st June 2003, Summer Solstice.
Here we have a world exclusive book summary they tried
to ban. Read it all here first. Lawyer dudes - bring it
on! |
-
Chapter One -
Harry
could not wait for the new term at Hogwarts to begin. He had
enjoyed his trip to Iraq very much - he had been given a tour
of the biggest invisibility cloak in the whole world.
-
Chapter Two -
Halfnion,
the double jointed rat, tells Harry mysteriously: 'there is
danger in the trees'. The tree bounces fat Dudley 58 times,
like a basket ball. Dudley is dead.
-
Chapter Three -
Rescued
from Privet Drive on a flying pumpkin from the Weasley's garden,
Harry and Ron fly to Hogwarts. Ron's pumpkin starts dripping
pips and he has to be rescued by Harry in a death defying
stunt. Ron defies death.
-
Chapter Four -
They
are greeted at Hogwarts by Professor Snape who smiles and
hugs Harry. Something is clearly a miss. Where is Hermione?
Oh, look, she's over by the Gurgling Gazells, reading a book.
A hand comes out of the book and chokes her. Hermionie is
dead.
- Chapter Five -
Dumbledore
is found dead in his study. All that is left is a shadow on
his favourite armchair with the message "You're next
Harry!"
-
Chapter Six -
The
scar on Harry's head starts flashing. Coca cola ask if they
can sponsor it. Dumbledore's ghost advises Harry not to go
for their merchandising deal. Unmysteriously, Harry pledges
his allegiance to AOL instead.
-
Chapter Seven -
Hermionie
is raised from the dead. She starts speaking using the method
of tongue-wobble.
-
Chapter Eight -
Hermionie
doesn't remember a gawd damned thing. Harry is turned on my
her mildly suggestive suggestions, however, but doesn't tell
anyone, although he does put it up in his internet blog, including
diagrams.
-
Chapter Nine -
Ron
Weasley mixes a potion all wrong and, accidentally, Hagrid
is shrunk to 2 inches tall. Malfoy sneers, and then steps
on him. Hagrid dies, squashed and crunched and then spun under
Malfoy's foot.
-
Chapter Ten -
Everyone
is inconsolable at the death of Hagrid. How could this happen
to such a nice beardy man, and in such a cigarette butt type
way!
-
Chapter Eleven-
Hermionie
starts talking in tongue-wobble again. She tells Harry she
is going to kill him. Harry keeps this quiet from the teachers
as it's a nice tension building plot point. Hermionie magics
a machine gun and kills all the other minor characters. Everyone
apart from Harry, and Ron are all dead when Hermionie turns
the wand on herself..
- Chapter Twelve -
Harry
wakes up in the shower to find the whole book has been a dream.
-
Chapter Thirteen -
Sirius
is still dead though...
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