| It
is 19th June 2003. Only two more days until the most eagerly anticipated children's
book in the history of blah blah blah is released... Harry Potter and the Order
of the Phoenix is released on 21st June 2003, Summer Solstice. Here we have a
world exclusive book summary they tried to ban. Read it all here first. Lawyer
dudes - bring it on! | -
Chapter One - Harry
could not wait for the new term at Hogwarts to begin. He had enjoyed his trip
to Iraq very much - he had been given a tour of the biggest invisibility cloak
in the whole world. -
Chapter Two - Halfnion,
the double jointed rat, tells Harry mysteriously: 'there is danger in the trees'.
The tree bounces fat Dudley 58 times, like a basket ball. Dudley is dead. -
Chapter Three - Rescued
from Privet Drive on a flying pumpkin from the Weasley's garden, Harry and Ron
fly to Hogwarts. Ron's pumpkin starts dripping pips and he has to be rescued by
Harry in a death defying stunt. Ron defies death. -
Chapter Four - They
are greeted at Hogwarts by Professor Snape who smiles and hugs Harry. Something
is clearly a miss. Where is Hermione? Oh, look, she's over by the Gurgling Gazells,
reading a book. A hand comes out of the book and chokes her. Hermionie is dead.
- Chapter Five - Dumbledore
is found dead in his study. All that is left is a shadow on his favourite armchair
with the message "You're next Harry!" -
Chapter Six - The
scar on Harry's head starts flashing. Coca cola ask if they can sponsor it. Dumbledore's
ghost advises Harry not to go for their merchandising deal. Unmysteriously, Harry
pledges his allegiance to AOL instead. -
Chapter Seven - Hermionie
is raised from the dead. She starts speaking using the method of tongue-wobble. -
Chapter Eight - Hermionie
doesn't remember a gawd damned thing. Harry is turned on my her mildly suggestive
suggestions, however, but doesn't tell anyone, although he does put it up in his
internet blog, including diagrams. -
Chapter Nine - Ron
Weasley mixes a potion all wrong and, accidentally, Hagrid is shrunk to 2 inches
tall. Malfoy sneers, and then steps on him. Hagrid dies, squashed and crunched
and then spun under Malfoy's foot. -
Chapter Ten - Everyone
is inconsolable at the death of Hagrid. How could this happen to such a nice beardy
man, and in such a cigarette butt type way! -
Chapter Eleven- Hermionie
starts talking in tongue-wobble again. She tells Harry she is going to kill him.
Harry keeps this quiet from the teachers as it's a nice tension building plot
point. Hermionie magics a machine gun and kills all the other minor characters.
Everyone apart from Harry, and Ron are all dead when Hermionie turns the wand
on herself..
- Chapter Twelve - Harry
wakes up in the shower to find the whole book has been a dream. -
Chapter Thirteen - Sirius
is still dead though...
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