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World Exclusive Who's Gonna die special... Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix
They're dropping like flies at Hogwarts!
It is 19th June 2003. Only two more days until the most eagerly anticipated children's book in the history of blah blah blah is released... Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix is released on 21st June 2003, Summer Solstice. Here we have a world exclusive book summary they tried to ban. Read it all here first. Lawyer dudes - bring it on!

- Chapter One -

Harry could not wait for the new term at Hogwarts to begin. He had enjoyed his trip to Iraq very much - he had been given a tour of the biggest invisibility cloak in the whole world.

- Chapter Two -

Halfnion, the double jointed rat, tells Harry mysteriously: 'there is danger in the trees'. The tree bounces fat Dudley 58 times, like a basket ball. Dudley is dead.

- Chapter Three -

Rescued from Privet Drive on a flying pumpkin from the Weasley's garden, Harry and Ron fly to Hogwarts. Ron's pumpkin starts dripping pips and he has to be rescued by Harry in a death defying stunt. Ron defies death.

- Chapter Four -

They are greeted at Hogwarts by Professor Snape who smiles and hugs Harry. Something is clearly a miss. Where is Hermione? Oh, look, she's over by the Gurgling Gazells, reading a book. A hand comes out of the book and chokes her. Hermionie is dead.

- Chapter Five -

Dumbledore is found dead in his study. All that is left is a shadow on his favourite armchair with the message "You're next Harry!"

- Chapter Six -

The scar on Harry's head starts flashing. Coca cola ask if they can sponsor it. Dumbledore's ghost advises Harry not to go for their merchandising deal. Unmysteriously, Harry pledges his allegiance to AOL instead.

- Chapter Seven -

Hermionie is raised from the dead. She starts speaking using the method of tongue-wobble.

- Chapter Eight -

Hermionie doesn't remember a gawd damned thing. Harry is turned on my her mildly suggestive suggestions, however, but doesn't tell anyone, although he does put it up in his internet blog, including diagrams.

- Chapter Nine -

Ron Weasley mixes a potion all wrong and, accidentally, Hagrid is shrunk to 2 inches tall. Malfoy sneers, and then steps on him. Hagrid dies, squashed and crunched and then spun under Malfoy's foot.

- Chapter Ten -

Everyone is inconsolable at the death of Hagrid. How could this happen to such a nice beardy man, and in such a cigarette butt type way!

- Chapter Eleven-

Hermionie starts talking in tongue-wobble again. She tells Harry she is going to kill him. Harry keeps this quiet from the teachers as it's a nice tension building plot point. Hermionie magics a machine gun and kills all the other minor characters. Everyone apart from Harry, and Ron are all dead when Hermionie turns the wand on herself..

- Chapter Twelve -

Harry wakes up in the shower to find the whole book has been a dream.

- Chapter Thirteen -

Sirius is still dead though...

 

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