| Health
food... | | |
| "Inhale...
Mmmh! Your life is about to work out, one breath at a time" |
| (Slogan
from 1948, and 2005 advert) | | "Passive
smoking will increase your stamina, enhance your sex drive and make your penis
4 inches longer (men), or your boobies 3 inches bigger or smaller (women), depending
on where you put your tongue when you inhale", says the latest report written
for the tobacco industry.
| From
the report | "The
passive smoke has been produced from only the finest tobacco leaves, grown with
care and then picked by hand only at the juiciest stage of ripeness. The leaves
are then matured in hot houses, baked by the pure red heat of the sun until being
taken into our ventilated shed and lovingly shredded at exactly the right moment
for that full and wholesome flavor." | |
These
findings have been welcomed by 'extreme smokers' in society, especially
those who like to walk up to people on the streets to puff smoke into their faces. Before
this report was published, it was common knowledge that passive smoking made people's
lungs go all 'gooey', causing them to die in a heap on the floor. But,
following this report, passive smoking can now be welcomed with 'open arms'. Passive
smoking is defined in the report as that perfect moment
of every day when someone in the same space as you lights up a cigarette, creating
'that quintessential cloud of deliciousness' which is made generously available,
by others, for your lungs to enjoy.
| From
the report | "People
who passive smoke have a 25% stronger urine stream." |
| This
latest report seeks to redress what it refers to as 'the woossy, liberal, anti
passive smoking lobby' which has 'gotten the upper hand' over the last
few years. Smoking is now banned in more offices than ever before. The
report itemizes two of the benefits of a smoky working environment:
- Smelly coworkers
are less noticeable, helping psychological trauma in those people and a much reduced
rate of suicide.
-
A smoky atmosphere was widely used in the 1970's to disguise numbers in pie charts
during presentations - it is even suggested that the Enron scandal may never have
come to light had the company employed a smoke everywhere policy, allowing thousands
of workers to retire on stock gains denied them by the 'evil anti-passive smoking
Nazi's'.
| One
of the conclusions from the report | "Most
comedians are heavy passive smokers. Passive smoking made them funny." |
| Passive
smoking in bars was also a healthy endevor, says the report, with bar staff confirming
that passive smokers were over 2% more docile than customers in the non-smoking
area. The
report criticizes in particular the 'anti-passive smoking working
environment': "Office
plants, popular in non-smoking offices, cause a large number of accidents every
year. Plants generally die quickly in smoking environments and thus this danger
is 'significantly reduced", said the report. The
report concludes that not only is passive smoking good for you, primary smoking
also offers many health benefits. This
from the report: "Smoking stops people putting more dangerous things in their
mouths, such as lead piping, asbestos and vials of SARS bacteria. This alone saves
millions of lives every year." The
report was commissioned by The League for World Tobacco Growers and Cigaretteers.
Copies of the report are available from http://www.SmokingMadeMeWhatIamToday.com
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