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Health
food...
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"Inhale...
Mmmh! Your life is about to work out, one breath
at a time"
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(Slogan
from 1948, and 2005 advert)
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"Passive
smoking will increase your stamina, enhance your sex drive
and make your penis 4 inches longer (men), or your boobies
3 inches bigger or smaller (women), depending on where you
put your tongue when you inhale", says the latest report
written for the tobacco industry.
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From
the report
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"The
passive smoke has been produced from only the
finest tobacco leaves, grown with care and then
picked by hand only at the juiciest stage of ripeness.
The leaves are then matured in hot houses, baked
by the pure red heat of the sun until being taken
into our ventilated shed and lovingly shredded
at exactly the right moment for that full and
wholesome flavor."
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These
findings have been welcomed by 'extreme smokers' in
society, especially those who like to walk up to people on
the streets to puff smoke into their faces.
Before
this report was published, it was common knowledge that passive
smoking made people's lungs go all 'gooey', causing them to
die in a heap on the floor.
But,
following this report, passive smoking can now be welcomed
with 'open arms'.
Passive
smoking is defined in the report as that
perfect moment of every day when someone in the same space
as you lights up a cigarette, creating 'that quintessential
cloud of deliciousness' which is made generously available,
by others, for your lungs to enjoy.
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From
the report
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"People
who passive smoke have a 25% stronger urine stream."
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This
latest report seeks to redress what it refers to as 'the
woossy, liberal, anti passive smoking lobby' which has
'gotten the upper hand' over the last few years. Smoking
is now banned in more offices than ever before.
The
report itemizes two of the benefits of a smoky working environment:
- Smelly
coworkers are less noticeable, helping psychological trauma
in those people and a much reduced rate of suicide.
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A smoky atmosphere was widely used in the 1970's to disguise
numbers in pie charts during presentations - it is even
suggested that the Enron scandal may never have come to
light had the company employed a smoke everywhere policy,
allowing thousands of workers to retire on stock gains denied
them by the 'evil anti-passive smoking Nazi's'.
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One
of the conclusions from the report
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"Most
comedians are heavy passive smokers. Passive smoking
made them funny."
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Passive
smoking in bars was also a healthy endevor, says the report,
with bar staff confirming that passive smokers were over 2%
more docile than customers in the non-smoking area.
The
report criticizes in particular the 'anti-passive smoking
working environment':
"Office
plants, popular in non-smoking offices, cause a large number
of accidents every year. Plants generally die quickly in
smoking environments and thus this danger is 'significantly
reduced", said the report.
The
report concludes that not only is passive smoking good for
you, primary smoking also offers many health benefits.
This
from the report: "Smoking stops people putting more dangerous
things in their mouths, such as lead piping, asbestos and
vials of SARS bacteria. This alone saves millions of lives
every year."
The
report was commissioned by The League for World Tobacco Growers
and Cigaretteers. Copies of the report are available from
http://www.SmokingMadeMeWhatIamToday.com
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