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Good news: War timeline 'still intact'
Bad News: They're using Microsoft Project 95
Worst sandstorm in history doesn't have an icon shock
This report has been prepared under Microsoft war restrictions

News that the US is to send a further 120,000 troops to the Gulf is being blamed on a defective Troops Wizard in Microsoft Project 95 (Military Edition), we can exclusively reveal.

Microsoft Project 95 (Military Edition) is the software of choice of the army currently in action in Iraq.

Initially the entire battle plan was for a quick 5 day conflict, but this has since been extended by a "quick'n'easy" mouse movement (this was a new feature introduced in '95).

As the sales pack said: "Projects big and small can be conveniently re-dated in Microsoft Project 95 with our world exclusive one click and a pull all the way rightwards feature."

The conflict has now been extended until June 1998.

A Microsoft spokesman confirmed to us:

"A year 2000 issue raises a fatal exception preventing a war lasting any longer than minus four years if any of the project dependencies are after year 2000."

- Other features -

Microsoft Project (Military Edition) offers commanders a number of useful Wizards, such as the 'which Saddam is this?' wizard, the 'Weather wizard' (with a download available for sandstorms) and 'the Middle East is about to erupt into anti-American hatred whaddahell are we gonna do now?' wizard which Microsoft are continuing to develop.

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