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Saddam is Rattling, claims UK's Prime Minister Blair
Dictator is making 'nick-nock' sound, says intelligence service
Hussein, making 'nick-knock' sound

Iraq: In the week before the UN arms inspectors report, which is widely expected to show that Saddam is lying through every greasy whisker of his evil black-and-soup-laden moustache, latest intelligence reports suggest that things are already falling apart deep in his Baghdad bunker.

Reports from the region are confused, but there are suggestions that there is a noise emanating from Saddam Hussein. This suggests that the dictator's rule is near to an end, say UK government analysts:

"The president of Iraq is not just being rattled by the military build up, he has actually started to rattle."

Sources suggest that 'the rattle' is similar to a toy whose batteries are running low, but other reports suggest its more like a "wonky" wheel on a go-cart which is 'going fast down a hill'.

British Intelligence service MI6 has gone a step further, suggesting that the dictator is making a loud 'nick-knock type sound' - like a football supporter's rattle, but a little quieter, and at half the speed.

This makes speech difficult and running without being heard impossible.

The dictator has shunned international media interviews since the nick-knocking sound started, and all domestic addresses are recorded beforehand, with the voice dubbed in later.

- International briefing -

Dictators and unexpected noises are not a rarity:

Evil Robert Mugabe, of Zimbabwe, holds the world record for the number of mouth burps in a minute.

Evil Colonel Quadaffi, of Libya, sits on cushions whenever possible to muffle his bottom trumps.

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