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NSFW: 'That' Paris Hilton Sex Tape Reviewed

A snob goes to pornville...
Review by's professor of movies, porn and sitcoms: Sir Lord, The Right Venerable, High Five Dude, Mr Veritable Cornucopia (Movie reviews here)

Be honest, my gentle porn lover friend: Is there anything better than free porn on the internet? I ask that question not fearing for one second a negative response!

Oh! the joys of taking a peak at two familiar, fit, young things, ensconced in the moment of animal-groany-prod! It is such a shame that those self-appointed internet censors have done everything possible to stop us watching it, short of coming around to our houses to switch our computers off!

Poorly lit boobies

This famous Paris Hilton sex tape takes, for some of the time, the POV of the hotel room mirror into which our sporty love-makers repeatedly look to check that their well buffed-bodies haven't suddenly dropped an inch or two (don't look all disappointed like that! It doesn't happen: You could crack nuts on the softest of their body parts!). [Note to self: If I were to come back as an inanimate object I choose a mirror in an expensive hotel room.]

The words NOT SAFE FOR WORK are well advised for this video, mainly due to the radiation danger: the movie is so darkly lit that you have to sit for most of the time with your nose on the screen in order to see anything: Oh! the devil that is glarey modern office strip lighting!

Luckily, I was able to view it on my computer at home, and I had my night vision goggles to hand!

Once our eyes have adjusted to the semi-twilightedness of the porn, we are immediately greeted with open arms, as it were, by 'those' breasts. There, in front of our eyes, looking straight up at us, we are presented with a pair of breasts that sit like large fried eggs.

So often have we enjoyed those breasts, nipples hidden under clothing, as they jog up and down in slow motion as their owner runs/walks into camera (or as fast as the wind when we watch on fast forward). How rare a treat it is to enjoy the forbidden nipple fruit in all of their poorly lit glory! Bravisimo! This is simply the best welcome we could have hoped for in our journey into the twilight zone of naughtyville!

And the young, brutishly be-muscled, gentleman who pushes our heroine around with his manhood in the same way all of us has, at one point or other, gotten a toe or finger stuck in the mouth of a particularly playful, enthusiastic, puppy dog: In and out we wiggle, and the young pup simply refuses to let go!

Then one of the most inopportune cell phone calls in porn history is made! (She goes to answer it) "Get off the phone, you stupid porn delayer!" we all shout into the computer screen, for all we want is a resumption of the entertainment!

Do not miss this delightful movie. It is a joy from start to finish, although the other banned one which has our heroes making luuuurrrrve outside was much better lit...

Veritable Cornucopia

(We tried to find a link to this movie, and if we find one we will put it here, but it is being removed from sites presumably due to legal action.) If you know of a link please e-mail us to editor@thevoiceofreason .com.

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